Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Another Anti-Climactic Christmas

Killer kicks and screams, "gimme, gimme, gimme."

Christmas has passed and, instead of a pre-Christmas wish list, I decided this year to give a post-Christmas listing of the things I wanted, but did not get.

1. Christmas sex.
Come on, how many times does a guy have to post about wanting to get laid before someone gives a helping hand? I have determined that there is a definite lack of sluts reading this blog. I am going to have to take aggressive measures to remedy that for the next year. Maybe I could advertise in some sort of pro-slut periodical. Is there a "Sluts Weekly"?

2. An official Red Ryder carbine action, two-hundred shot, range model, air rifle with a compass in the stock.
The first thing I would do is sit downstairs next Christmas and plug Santa in the Ass for making me wait 25 years to get this. That fat son of a bitch.

3. Peace on Earth and Good Will Toward Men.
Selfish Middle Eastern, and West African bastards need to quit fighting each other over products to sell to us. I do not really expect to get this gift, but I throw it in to seem like I am compassionate and caring. (to hopefully help out with the first wish)

4. The Salvation Army invades Goodwill.
Every year these two charity juggernauts battle it out for your loose change and old clothes that my fat ass can not fit into anymore. Every year I wish to see a breaking news report that the Salvation Army has amassed it's forces and crushed Goodwill industries in an amazing display of "Shock and Awe". Your an army damn it, act like it.

5. Become financially independent and quit work.
Another year goes by without a lawyer calling me out of the blue to tell me that a long lost Great Aunt or Uncle has died leaving their millions of dollars to me. This one is most painful, because I don't allow anyone to call me from December 23rd until December 26th. I insist on keeping the phone lines open. Usually by the 27th I start calling a few random law firms to ask if they have been trying to get a hold of me. Every year, right after Christmas, each ass I have to wipe at the hospital is a mocking reminder of my middle class bondage.


Killer said...

The first person to comment, "you'll shoot your eye out." Gets a special christmas curse put upon them.

mist1 said...

I only read the last few words. I wish I had gotten some middle class bondage for Christmas.

Liz said...

Dear Killer,

I think plenty of sluts read your blog. I know 3 personally. As a friend, I'm going to give you straight facts. The reasons you're not getting tang in the quantity you would like include:
1. You're too mobile. You have to land to be landed on.
2. You have a mild obsession with your balls. This can only be expected, but still, it can be intimidating.
3. Although it would be helpful if Hell freezes over, MOST women don't think of "fur" as a plus, as you do.
4. You're already getting all of that old woman twat thrown in your face. Those chicks are EXPERIENCED. That can also be intimidating, even to sluts (or so I hear).
5. Gay men love you, you big bear. Unfortunately, that puts you in the "friend" category for 85% of all female sluts. It's an unfortunate side effect of being immensely attractive to the same sex.
6. You have yet to hook me up with a stunningly handsome and wealthy man. Once you score the first love connection for me, I'll find a slut for you.

Do you mind if she cuts hair for a living?

chad said...

you've found the perfect solution! but you might want to administer a brief literacy test before recommending this blog to your hair dresser.

you'll shoot your eye out

desiree said...

Totally off topic, moved my blog to eaudedeux.blogspot.com, have to take archives on old blog private, big suckfest currently ensuing.

Churlita said...

I know you've asked all of us to give you a "helping hand", but you do realize you have two of your own, don't you? Maybe you could just give yourself a hand(job).

Fringes said...

I already offered indirect help in your getting laid quest. You never took me up on it. Offer still open.

EEK said...

My friend used to have the Salvation Army as his audit client, and he swore to me that there was an actual (militaresque) uniform that the executives would wear to special events. Just thinking about it makes me happy.

Sluts hang out in bars all the time. I know because I'm in bars all the time, and I always see them there.

Killer said...

What!?! I always miss the obvious signs, that is why I am having trouble. Give me help. I accept.

Fringes said...

Dig through your archives on this topic. I gave you a money-back guarantee based on the shallowness and horniness of the women on Yahoo Personals.