Saturday, December 16, 2006

Career Dating

Liz's dating scheme:

I may have mentioned that my boss had a Christmas party a few weeks ago for the office. I missed it, which I hate because his parties are always unusual. This year was escargot and a magician. A MAGICIAN!!!

Today I was thinking about that. What if you dated a magician? How would life be different? Would it kind of being like going out with Jesus where things appear out of thin air? Would it be annoying because he would demand that you say "Ta Da" when he entered the room? Would he bring his work home with him as in, "Yea. Rabbits, unfortunately, aren't the only thing I can make disappear."

I see some obvious perks to dating a magician. I could load up on quarters (pulled from behind my ear) and I could pawn him out as my "gift" for friends' children's parties. I could borrow his cape, which I am strangely interested in trying on. Plus, I'll bet he would teach me some of his basic tricks and after we broke up I could use these to woo my next boyfriend; who I think should be a house painter because I've got some cabinets and crown molding in serious need of a touch up.

I think I've been going about this "dating" all wrong. My standards have been decency, humor, interests, attractiveness, and employment status. I really need to start dating based on my immediate needs and ignoring all of those silly prerequisites. Computer running slow? Go out with an IT guy for 2 dates. Hair needs a trim? Find a barber to court. Hate going grocery shopping during the holidays? Hello supermarket bag boy! Come to momma! Back has a kink? Masseuse...which would have to be a long term commitment. That one would be tough to let go of.

See how this works?

When I moved into this house over a year ago, the cable guy gave me free HBO as well as his number. He said that if I wanted to go out to give him a call. I was appreciative of the HBO but didn't want to date him, based on those outdated prerequisites I mentioned. When I got an HDTV I had to have my cable box replaced and when a different guy came to the house, he took my HBO away! It's been about 6 months and I miss having HBO. I should pull out that old service record and give Bubba a call.

Anybody know a reasonably cute janitor? I'm tired of mopping.


Cover Your Mouth said...

I've been seriously considering letting one of the Geek Squad guys at Best Buy cop a feel if he'd come to my place and get my goddamn wireless Internet working, por gratis. Those guys are expensive!

Liz said...

I'm not sure if allowing a feel to be copped will do it. It may actually take dinner, conversation (about Star Trek and Gigga Bites, no doubt)and giving the Geek Squad member a pair of your panties to show his friends.

Let me know what comes out of letting him get to third base. I really need a new memory card for my digital camera but I'm uncomfortable going "all the way" for it. That just seems so whorish.

Jester said...

I'm so glad that I'm not one of those guys that can be easily manipulated by your feminine guile. Throwing your cleavage around and doing the 'bend and snap' has no effect on me whatsoever. Unless you fall out of your top, and then you might get applause.

Followed by laughter.

Followed by the creation of a story I will never let you forget.

Killer said...

If we started dating by profession I would date a prostitute.


That lady who works at Krispy Kreme.

I don't know which would be better.

Red said...

Hilarious! Also, um, I totally thought you were married to Killer.

Killer said...

I like that optimism Red.

Liz said...


The contest for the oldest of our friends to not get married rages on. The winner gets to spend holidays by him/herself and break a hip without anyone knowing for days. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!


You knowledge of weird diseases totally makes your dating a prostitute a plausable scenario! However, I like the Krispy Kreme idea much better.


I wouldn't "fall" out of my top. I would tumble violently out of my top, gasp with humilation, then make it even worse by peeing on myself from laughing so hard. You'd have a story, alright.