Saturday, December 23, 2006

You Hillbillies All Look Alike

Liz observes:

I recognize that this is going to make me sound like a total bitch, but it's not New Year's Eve yet and therefore my resolution to stop sounding like a total bitch hasn't taken effect yet.

Spouses can look alike. Like Ray Ramano says about twins, one ugly one is stunning enough. Two, and you're floored.

The other night I was at a local establishment with some friends. One of the guys there brought his wife. I've seen him before and had never met her. They are both good looking people that happen to resemble each other. This sounds like a win-win on the surface but there is a catch.

Aside from the great bone structure, the most noticeable trait I found in this pair was their thin, almost infantile teeth; too small, gaps, slightly gnarled. This is creepy enough to see on one person but when you have two sitting side by side it will rock your foundation.

I kept waiting for one of them to lose a tooth in their beer. I was TOTALLY ready to put a quarter under a napkin and say it was from the tooth fairy, but I left before it happened. This does NOT mean that the bus boy didn't find a tooth stuck in a remaining hamburger bun as he was cleaning the table.

I found the quarter in my pocket this morning when I was washing my jeans and smiled.

Add to the poor teeth their hillbilly actions. I am so glad that I've almost outgrown the need to tell everybody what a badass I am. Throughout the night I had to hear the tell-tell white trash mantras:
  • Just who does SHE think SHE is? Ms. THANG!
  • Oh! Don't think I won't.
  • She will, too!
  • This mango margarita taste like shit.
  • We met at community college and I wouldn't even talk to him for weeks!
  • I can't wait to have babies! We want at least 4!!!
  • I've got my gun in the truck if he don't stop lookin' over here.
  • Let's go somewhere where we can karaoke. HANK!
  • What size tires you got on your truck?

Don't get me wrong, I had a good time and they're nice enough, just a little bit scary. Hey, I've scared people before too- usually with my stunning wit and enormous breasts, but still...

While at the bar I met a GORGEOUS little hottie from Russia. He had a great accent but an even better ass. We talked for about 45 minutes before separating. He's much younger than me and so far from home...

THAT'S what I want for Christmas. Killer, can you teach me how to say "balls" in Russian?

In other news, I'm becoming addicted to on-line poker since my league is on hiatus.

And I'm quite the badass.


Burg said...

Hmm.. Sounds like you were out with my in-laws.

Killer said...

According to a quick google search:

Yarblika (which means apples)
Shariki (which means marbles)

Churlita said...

Be careful, Russian guys are notorious for treating their women like shit. On the other hand, they just might be better than certain Americans. At least they wouldn't threaten to go get their gun from their truck.

Liz said...

Did your husband inherit those teeth?
I lika Yarblika! Thanks.
You're right. I might find posion in my potato soup, but he likely won't chase me with a gun.

chad said...

i can't wait to go to russia and apply some gold bond to my yarblika, whilst you powder your shariki