Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Pick a Pack of Pickled Perverts

Killer Reminisces

While in college (during the first four years) I worked for the YMCA as Day Camp Director. It is not as prestigious as it sounds. I was primarily the disciplinarian, but since it is now frowned upon to beat children with a paddle or smack them about the head, discipline at a summer camp is fleeting at best.

Basically the 6yr to 8yr olds are easy to control. They are still naive enough to think they have to mind all adults. 14yr to 17yr olds would always listen to me because I am a big guy and they respect size. It is the little shits from 9yr to 13 yrs old that cause the most trouble. They are just starting to realize they can rebel without lasting repercussions, but have not been beaten up enough in high school to fear bigger people.
The general game plan for this age group was to let them run around like crazy without killing themselves or mating with each other.

So, I naturally grew concerned one day when I saw a large group of male counselors all gathered in the 9yr to 13yr old girls section of camp.
It turns out there was an 11yr old girl who was demonstrating a skill that she did not yet fully realize the implications of having.

This innocent young girl could take a whole dill pickle and, in the matter of a few minutes, suck the insides out. She would bite the top off and then dramatically work over the pickle until all that remained was an empty green skin.

This would not seem like a problem except the male counselors would not stop buying her pickles in order to watch her do it. I started having visions of a law suit, or at least an angry phone call from an irate mother.

I demanded they stop buying her pickles, but they just had other kids buy them instead. So, I had to make the guy who worked the concession stand stop selling pickles. (He was very upset about the loss in a top seller. He did not care about the purpose of the product he sold. I think he works for a tobacco company now.) They started bringing pickles to camp with them. These pervs were dedicated.

Finally one day her Mom came in to pick her up and as we were talking she casually said, "I hear she has been getting a lot of free pickles." My heart sank. Here it comes. She just smiled at me and said, "She is going to be very popular in school."

I don't know if Mom knows what she can do with a pickle, or is just pro-slut. That little girl should be about 21 by now. She is probably being actively searched for by a small cadre of ex-camp counselors.

8 comments:

mist1 said...

Oh. My.

I've been caught sucking the pimento out of an olive, but that's nothing compared to this talent.

Fringes said...

You're catching up with Mist on believablogability. I can't tell what's true and what is exaggerated to quirky and hilarious effect. Great story. Well told.

othurme said...

It's just all part of evolution. The strongest thrive and survive. One day she will be president. Of the world.

Margaret said...

a good mother teaches her daughter the tricks of middle-school popularity

Liz said...

So... have you called her yet?

Jester said...

Uh... I fail to see what is so great about being able to suck the inside out of a pickle. That actually sounds like it would be quite painful.

Call me when you meet someone that can turn a 6 inch pickle into a foot long.

chad said...

i'm with jester on this one; if she could do that to a pickle at 11, think of what 10 years of experience would allow her to do to your gerkin if she were to get a bit carried away.

paige said...

i may even put 3 quarters in the jar for this one. now what was her name again?