Tuesday, April 10, 2007

2007 State of the Blog Address

The Scene opens on the Grand Congressional Hall. A room steep with tradition. A room that has seen much debate and grandstanding since it's start two plus years ago. It is a very small room, since it only needs to accommodate both members of Killer Rants' Congressional Body. Liz, the Jr. Representative from the XX contingency, and Killer, the stalwart XY representative, and self proclaimed Dictator for Life.

Killer announces in a deep, officious, baritone voice, "Please rise for the benevolent Dictator for Life of the People's Democratic Republic of Killer Rants, Killer."
Both doors fling open and Killer strides in regally as a small 80's era jam box screeches "Hail to the Chief" from it's tinny speakers.
Killer flows down the short aisle to the stage. Liz has chosen not to stand, a serious breach of political etiquette, but Killer stoically ignores this slight, assuming Liz is too drunk to stand up.
He approaches the the podium, pauses for dramatic effect, looks over Liz's shoulder and offers a slight smile and a knowing nod of the head to an esteemed colleague (as the Idiot's Guide to Public Speaking recommended), and Liz peers around the empty room in confusion as Killer begins to speak.

My fellow bloggers, it warms my cockles to stand and share with you the State of Killer Rants. To lay before you the rich tapestry of our past mistakes, our future dreams, and our current plans to set it all in order.

There has never been a greater time to be a part of Killer Rants. Unemployment is at a record setting zero percent, we are experiencing a financial boom, and foreign relations are improving significantly. Through the hard work of this administration our borders are secure and the open dialogue surrounding my balls is at an all time high.

My opponents would like to focus on the negative events of my reign; the lack of sex scandals within our government and the fact that we are still using the exact same outdated template and design that we began with so many years ago. I implore you, our loyal citizens, to not get blinded by the mud slinging, and listen as I present you with my dreams for Killer Rants.

I dream of a Killer Rants in which future generations can seek out humor on the World Wide Web. A place offering refuge against the tyranny and oppression of political opinion blogs. A sanctuary to protect against the smothering self gloating of the Mommy blogs. Most importantly, Killer Rants will be a rallying cry for all those seeking to join the fight against the rampant spread of the cute and cuddly Tweener blogs. No Hello Kitty clip art here. No butterfly pointer. Just words.
Words that will encourage raucous laughter. Words that will elicit thought provoking dialogue. If all else fails we will replace those words with a few naked photos of me. Tasteful and artsy photos, yet butt-ass naked.

So don't lose faith in Killer Rants. We are not only going to continue what has worked in the past, but Liz and I are going to strive for more sexual scandals in the upcoming term, and we promise that someday soon, we might even leave the comfort and security of this ancient blog template and take the good fight to the people.

Thank You, and God Bless Killer Rants.


heather said...

killer dear, do you not see the irony in labeling this post fighting the cute when you yourself just posted an absolutely adorable picture of your nephew just yesterday??? lmao. i love it!

hellohahanarf said...

God bless Killer Rants! And naked pictures!


Roadchick said...

Liz~ Let's all party like the Kennedys!

Killer~They have cockle warmers that plug into car cigarette lighters now.

laughingattheslut said...

So Killer is not one of the double Y guys from Alien 3?

chad said...

as you kow, i normally reserve my praise (of your blog) for personal emails, but this one really cracked me up. funny, funny stuff.
and i'm willing to join your cause wholeheartdly if you're willing, in turn, to forego the whole naked thing. please.

Churlita said...

Okay, did I not catch it, or was there no mention of your balls at this meeting? I hope this isn't a new direction your taking...

dmarks said...

Churlita, you mean you weren't there to see the Inaugural Balls?

Killer said...

dmarks: Brilliant, i wish I had thought of that one.

Churlita, yes you did miss it, because it is in there.

Anonymous said...

Hey Killer...I don't post that often but wanted to let you know that me and Mrs. Wood enjoy the blog immensely. Also, I hate that you are not around these days...the Decemberists just won't be the same without you. I mean, who is going to tell me what beers to get at the Saucer beforehand?

Liz said...

The congression once attempted to impeach, but the lobbiest paid us off first. Long live Killer rants (and the lovely fruit basket used as the bribe).

Can't we vote ourselves a raise?

GREAT post. It tickeled me (above the waist).

mist1 said...

If it's sexual scandals you want, how come you didn't just ask me to come over?


I'll be there around nine-ish. Please chill the vodka. I'll bring toys.

Mel Francis said...

nice post. It produced much giggling and maybe even a snort.