Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Everyone I Meet is a Business Genius

I should say, A Business Anius.

I have not really mentioned it much, but one of my cohorts and I are in the development stages of opening a business. A coffee/crepes joint.

There are some early concerns, primarily, neither I nor Bam have traditionally been coffee drinkers. So why open a coffee shop? Well, my original idea of Suppository Insertion Technician doesn't really look well on a business card, and Bam's recommendation of Stink Finger Specialist did not test very well with the early marketing groups.

Bam is a very proficient business person, and currently owns and operates a Shit Tank Business. Oh sure, he likes to call them Waste Treatment Systems, but I believe in calling a spade a spade, and a shit tank a shit tank.

Considering I am really good at putting things INTO the ass, and Bam is very good at managing what comes OUT of them, I believe we are the perfect match. But, Bam is the business expert, and he says to diversify, so a Coffee/Crepes Shop is born.

I am in charge of learning about the coffee side. This is a task well suited for me since I am a beer expert. All I need to do is put the same energy into learning the nuances of coffee as I did beer. In the last two months I have read four books on coffee. Where it comes from, how it grows, how it is roasted, how to cup it, how to slurp it, and so on, and so forth. I read two books on, "How to open and run a successful coffee shop." I even read an enjoyable book about unorthodox marketing strategies. I am confident that I am taking all the necessary steps to enter this venture.

All this valuable information is being trampled upon however, by the continuous influx of unsolicited business advice I receive whenever someone else learns of my future plans. Apparently some people are born with the genetic ability to run a coffee shop, and these people are all around me.

I am going to list some of my favorite suggestions I have received thus far. Several have been offered multiple times by several people.

-You will need cups.

-You will need cups, but don't put your company name on them. This way, if you go out of business you can sell them to a different coffee shop.

-You should have more than one type of coffee.

-Make sure the coffee is hot, but not too hot.

-(RN1): Make sure you have a bathroom, and a drive through.
(Me): Or, a drive through bathroom.
(RN1): I've never seen that before, but I guess someone has to be #1.
(Me): Yeah, and some people can even go #2.

-Sell Decaf

-Don't sell Decaf

-You should grow your own coffee. (This one is better appreciated after reading four books on where coffee can grow.)

-(Me): I'm going to open a Coffee and Crepes Shop.
(Xray Tech): You should sell food also.
(Me): Crepes are food.
(Xray Tech): Oh, I thought you meant creeps.
(Me): Why would I sell creeps?
(Xray Tech): I don't know, I'm no business expert. You want some advice.
(Me): Very much so.
(Xray Tech): Sell food people have heard of.


wreckless said...

Sounds very exciting and fun! I wish I were in your shoes! I don't know what the crud I want to do with my life vocationally speaking. I have no dinero to start something. enough Wha wha from me-I hope all goes well for you. anxiously awaiting more news.

Roadchick said...

This has nothing to do with the coffee/crepes shop, but a good slogan for Bam would be

"We're #1 in the #2 business"

Mel Francis said...

I dunno. Cups sound kinda risky.

And I would serve thin pancakes myself. But ToMAYto, ToMAHto.

Liz said...

You want some advice? Create an entertaining blog that pushes your shop and make sure it is well advertised as well as hip and hilarious.

I am for hire.

I hope the rednecks love the crepe idea and I also hope that a freakin' Starbucks doesn't open up around the corner from your shop. Within 2 miles of my house are 4 coffee shops. I don't see how they stay in business.

Roadchick, I LOVE your comment. Bravo!

Churlita said...

I worked in coffee shops for 15 years. The cafe I used to work at on 24th St. in SF became a crepe place. I promise not to give you any advice, except to try not to get confused between jobs and stick crepes up people's asses.

othurme said...

If you're in charge of coffee, does that mean Bam's in charge of Crepes? Do I really want to eat a crepe that has been handled by a "Waste Management Specialist"?

And if you're only going to serve one kind of coffee, it should definitely be this one. If this isn't a match made in heaven then there just isn't a heaven.

dmarks said...

You'd do well to call your new coffee venture "Dirk Benedict's".

Anonymous said...

Hey roadchick...
my slogan is yesterday's meals on wheels

heather said...

chic, i'm with liz. bravo x2!
killer, sounds like my kind of place. can i get a reservation?

laughingattheslut said...

Othurme stole my comment.

hellohahanarf said...

kopi do people really drink that stuff? after reading a bit (thanks for the link, othurme) i think i might never drink coffee again, just in case some of that kopi stuff is accidentally mixed in. blech.

Killer said...

I had read about Kopi Luwak in one of my coffee books. I think I am going to eat a bunch of raw coffee, crap it out and sell it for $600 a pound.
I can think of worse jobs, plus considering how much I can crap in a day, it would be around $6000 a day.

dmarks said...

I read that kopi luwak thing and it looked like a leftover April Fool's thing in Wikipedia. Oh well. Do you have any idea what "manna from heaven" really is?

As for the business, do be careful transitioning from one substance to another. Austin Powers learned this the hard way when he used the wrong decanter in "Austin Powers 2". Unless you have no problem with coffee that tastes nutty.