Monday, April 16, 2007

Trapped in Hotlanta

Killer trapped in Atlanta, and wondering how to get hold of Mist1.

My flight out of Memphis was delayed. This travesty caused me to miss my connection in Atlanta. I was given the option of waiting 28 hours, getting a free 4 star hotel room and a first class ticket to Sacramento, OR I could sit in the airport for the next 24 hours and attempt to get a standby ticket on every flight that sails to Sac town.

I quickly called in sick for work, canceled my Monday appointment with my personal trainer, and headed to Ruby Tuesday before checking in at the Sheraton. After having my first three days off in a month, I figured one more would not kill me.

Apparently there is a "Nor'easter" storm hitting the East Coast, combine that with an apparent strike with European airlines, and there is an abundance of people stranded for several days. This has created some great stories for Killer Rants.

I was waiting in line to rebook my flight. It was a long and winding line, but luckily, I enjoy lines. I love watching people get upset and angered at the innocent ticket agent for events that are obviously out of their control. Everyone is irrational and think if they act upset enough they will get placed on the extra-secret flight that is leaving in ten minutes for their home town. I am a firm believer that Karma is watching and casting judgement for this as needed. Allow me to give you the greatest example EVER: There was a man three people ahead of me, in the monstrosity of a line, he was great to be around in line, he would monitor the line ahead, and behind, and whenever anyone was attempting to butt, he would call them out, loudly and proficiently. "Hey, Hey, Hey, You see all those people? They are not standing in such an orderly fashion for their health. You need to go the end." I was loving this guy, and loving the confrontations in which I was not involved, but secretly hoping for a violent escalation. Once he managed to get in front of the ticket agent it was on. He was shouting, waving his hands and quoting scripture as to why he HAD to be in Philly TONIGHT. After about fifteen minutes he finally realized that NO flight was getting to Philly tonight and he was outraged that he could not get his luggage. "I have very important pills in my luggage!" he shouted. The ticket agent said, "You should not check you medications." He flipped his shit. I was loving it, not just because of his reaction, but because me and Chad had heard this exact same exchange once in Detroit after being stranded there for a night. The best, most AWESOME thing about this whole exchange was mid-way through his tirade I realized that he had one of those paper toilet seat covers sticking out of the back of his pants. It was hanging down perfectly framing his ass. Once I realized this, I was frantic trying to find someone cool around me to point it out to. I was so spastically excited about it, I did not think of taking a picture with my phone until he was walking away. At that time, I whipped my phone out in such a hurry I flung it about five feet away and hit an Asian lady in the tit. Her face at this was so awesomely aghast, I did not apologize, but instead dove down for my phone to take a picture of her expression. I think the high level of excitement made me lose control of my dexterity because I could not pick the phone up and then the line moved along. I was stuck looking at everyone around me with a big stupid grin on my face and no one had seemed to notice any of this. I spent the next couple of hours laughing to myself about the whole ordeal.

The second event that made this night incredibly awesome was on the shuttle bus to the Sheraton. There were a couple of super country old men who were way over stimulated by the airport and the big city. One was 59. I know this because he proudly told everyone that he turns 60 on his next birthday in a couple of weeks, he said this with a proud grin on his face that highlighted both of his teeth. He informed everyone on the bus that he, and his travel companion, were supposed to be going to Ireland to take apart a "machine". The next contribution made to race relations was a question posted to an Asian man sitting across from him, "Are you Chinese or Japanese?" He asked without a hint of malice, it seemed he was genuinely curious. The Asian guy, who was on the phone on the time, speaking with a perfect, non-regional American dialect smiled and replied, "I don't know, what do you think?" The old country guy guffawed, "I don't know, my sister in law used to be Korear." (I don't know exactly what Korear is.) The Asian guy didn't miss a beat, "what is she now?" But, the old country guy had already turned his attention to a couple from London at the back of the bus. "Are ya'll from Ireland?" "No, we are from London." responded the English guy. "Hell, we're supposed to be in Ireland right now, taking apart a 'machine'." At this point I was getting over excited from this exchange. I could not believe me luck, two insane interactions in a one hour period. It was quiet for a second and then the old country guy suddenly asked, "Do you have computers in Ireland?" "We live in London." said the London girl. "Do you have computer's in London?" The London couple exchanged a exasperated glance, "Yes, we have a computer in London." Then the old country guy said, "Well, our church is on the computer every Sunday." He then reached in his pocket and pulled out stack of cards with his church name, email address and website. It listed the live web cast times, and he proceeded to give one to everyone on the bus. I LOVED this guy. I wanted to put him in a big mayonnaise jar, poke some air holes in the top, and take him home with me. There is nothing this couple has experienced in America that will top this exchange on the bus in Atlanta.

This has only affirmed my belief in never travelling alone. Everyone else around me was too wrapped up in their own little worlds to enjoy this stuff. If only I could keep it together long enough to get some pictures of these people. I also can't quit wondering if that Asian lady has a bruise on her tit.


briliantdonkey said...

LOL, well at least it didn't end with you taking pictures of the bruise on the asian lady's(was she chinese or Japanese?) tit.


chad said...

sorry i couldn't be there for you.

two little letters would have made his question even better--'are you a chinese or a japanese?

Anonymous said...

A guy on my trip to Peru was a doozie just like your country dude. He could have been the same guy for some of the things that came out of his mouth.

mist1 said...

I simply cannot believe that you didn't contact me. I was in a hotel bar only miles, mere miles from there.

Mayren said...

Rock that Sheraton Killah.
Can't wait for more tales from the mini-bar.

Churlita said...

That guy was awesome. That's exactly why I love going to the Iowa State Fair. There are thousands of people just like that there...Plus, funnel cakes and beer.

Natalie said...

Ok that was more funny than I could handle. Nice work.

othurme said...

There used to be a reality show on one of the cable networks about Southwest Airlines and what the gate people had to deal with. It was the funniest show ever. I think I'll go hang out at the airport tonight just to watch people go crazy.

Liz said...

Excellent post! I'm a people watcher, but I'm also a person worth watching as I would have pointed at the toilet seat liner and laughed loudly, even if no one I knew was there to share it with me.

charapa said...

So I have to say that you have I will definetly travel with a different perspective after having read that!!!!! That was hysterical!!!!!