Sunday, April 01, 2007

Meet Mr. Killer Rants

Liz introduces you to Killer:

A large number of my friends who read this blog but have never met Killer can't wait to meet him. I've been thinking about this. He's funny and of course my friends appreciate a good laugh, but if I place myself outside of co-authoring this blog, would I want to meet a man who identifies himself so closely with his testicles? According to Killer, clothes don't make the man. Balls make the man. I guess, scientifically, this is true. Maybe that's why Killer got into the medical profession. He's smart that way.

Let me tell you a few of my observations about Killer, my nad-obsessed friend.

Killer loves a good laugh. He's funny, but I think he is equally good at appreciating funny. Our group of friends are all fairly witty people. If we were hyper competitive, we couldn't hang out. We would be in a constant struggle to be the last comic standing. Killer is especially good at cheering the guy in the spotlight on, only heckling when it's going to solicit a kind laugh. Some of us will harass at your expense. Killer doesn't do this regularly, although he is not above it by any means. You can't be a nickname giver without at least a touch of the mean gene. One of the things we have in common is our love of impropriety. When things are a little out of focus, you can count on Killer to find the humor in the discrepancies.

Killer also has a sad appreciation for bad movies. I wish I could tell you that this statement relates to his seeing the humor in every situation, but I am afraid it doesn't. He just has horrible tastes when it comes to cinematic endeavors. When the Oscars come around Killer may have seen the flicks, but he sits in confusion wondering why Bad Boys II and The Mummy Returns weren't nominated.

Killer is up for almost anything. I don't find Killer to be the initiator, I find him to be an anxious and supportive member of the crew. He will take your suggestion of going to the mall and breathe new and obscene life into it. To spend the day with Killer is to spend a day with wonderful side-tracks. And if you initiate an off-the-beaten-path adventure, he is more than willing to participate. He is not schedule driven so he's very easy to spend time with. You set the schedule, he comes up with the diversions.

Killer has his pulse on music. I do not, but wish I did. When we vacationed together a couple of years ago he burned me 4 or 5 CDs. They're awesome. Also when we vacationed together I found he shares my commitment to not getting up too early. The best things happen at midnight, not at 8 am.

He's also quite the beer connoisseur. This comes in handy when we're bar hopping. He knows enough about beer to know what I'm going to like and what I won't like. Too much hops in the brew makes it bitter to me and I don't like that. He makes sure I order something with the highest alcohol content but only a moderate level of hops. That's really thoughtful.

Finally, he knows I hate sitting in other people's farts. I think your expulsion of gas should be a special, private event not one that I have to endure. He ignores my wishes and looks for moments to poot on my couch on in the car. I hate this, but even though I hate it, I still have to love him.

I hope, that for your sake, you get the chance to meet him in person. I will also warn that if you double dog dare him to show you his balls, you're going to get a face full of hairy nads. To be as gentle as he is you must remember that for Killer, his balls are his glory.

And if he really likes you, you might get a cup of soup (fart) to go along with that face full of testicles.

Hurry home, Killer. There is a whole new group of people waiting to meet you and shake your nuts.


Killer said...

You said Balls.

Killer said...

I don't know if I want to meet you other friends. I'm now afraid everyone is going to expect me to show my nuts all the time. Until this strange rash clears up, they are staying well hidden.

Liz said...

Don't worry. All of my other friends are imaginary.

Churlita said...

Balls AND a cup O' Soup? Wow. That sounds so inviting...Is there anyway he can just do that over the web, or do I have to go all the way to Mississippi for that?

mist1 said...

I'll shake nuts with Killer anytime. I do not high five.

Killer said...

Ouch on the high five.

Mayren said...

i'm completely in for the hifive.
I agree with the show of Killah love but does this post have an ulterior motive? Is Killer going up for Auction?

Can I bid too?

heather said...

liz deaar, i have to agree with mayren. it sounds as if you are buttering up killer for some reason. while i'm sure that you were only stating facts, are you sure that you were'nt thinking about some remodeling or something that you're gonna want help with? not that i would blame you in the least. it's a method i employ on a regular basis. :-)

Mayren said...

OOOH I GET IT NOW... Man I'm slow... sorry.

It was an April Fool's joke on Killer by Liz... ooooh she's gooood!

that sucks though. I like Killer. *frown*