Thursday, November 09, 2006

All In

Liz holds 'em:

Dear blog reader,

You will be happy to know that I came in second place at my most recent poker tournament. That means a cool $60. After taxes, I calculate that I made a $20 profit. Ok, it wasn't taxes, it was the fact that I lost the first game so badly, but I still came out on top to the tune of an almost full tank of gas.

Don't hate me because of my mad card skills.

I have noticed something about the guys I play cards with. They expect ME to be the entertainment but they also expect me to keep my humor between the lines and dispensed sparingly. Apparently I am not good at obliging their comedic restrictions.

I pissed a guy off so much by winning a hand that he wouldn't make eye contact with me. So, I commented on his new facial hair by calling him a bearded clam and inviting him to fuck off. But I said it in a really nice tone. I was kidding- honest! And although most of the guys took it as the trash talk it was intended to be, others scolded me for being so cold. I apologized, but not without making sure that I said it like this, "I'm sorry. I'll try to tone it down for you ladies."

Yikes. That met with more laughs than not, but only turned my black mark to a charcoal gray mark.

Then, a guy seated beside me burped incessantly. After about gas-plosion number 19, I asked, "Would you stop that? My god. You're as annoying as ball sweat!" Apparently men find this term VERY funny, as I guess they are the ones who truly appreciate the annoyance of sweaty balls; Not finding it so funny is the man you are comparing to ball sweat.

Looks of wounded sadness were now darting from both across the table and beside me. I felt sort of bad. Like I had played too rough and somebody got hurt. I'm really a very thoughtful and nice person- but it's a card game; the obligation to talk smack predates me by over 100 years!

Am I really that insulting? So offensive that they're going to make a poker rule that no women are allowed to play, even though I was the only woman (of 14 players) there?

Most poker nights ban women so that they CAN be bawdy. What if I get banned because I am TOO bawdy?

Is THIS my secret weapon? My power? Am I an insult ninja?

No.

I am THE insult ninja, bitches.

4 comments:

Red said...

Anyone who doesn't RSVP to your invitation to fuck off deserves what they get. Congrats!

Liz said...

I LIKE how you call it an invitation. NICE, Red. Nice.

othur-me said...

Why do women have to be so crass? Poker is a gentlemen's game. NOOOTTT!

Liz, if you ever visit Killer in CA, I invite you sit in with my friends and play some poker. The trash talk is welcome. The women at my game talk like sailors on shore leave and the guys at my game aren't afraid to give it back to 'em.

Mostly we just spank the girls with our mad card skills, but it would not be a surprise to see an actual spanking at our game.

Killer said...

You are more like a insult tank, because ninjas are all secret and shit. There is no secret to you, baby.