Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson

Killer blogs while wondering what could have been.

This is an open letter to the 85 year old woman who made several inappropriate comments to me last night.

Dear old lady,

I appreciate you still clinging to your sexuality. It is a noble effort that, after all else has failed you, your libido and perseverance have stayed intact. It is true that you don't have teeth, a uterus, or a full head of hair, but you seem to be trying to make up for it with a constant barrage of thinly veiled innuendo and a willingness to grab whatever is within your reach.

It is understandable that when you see me walk into your room you immediately get turned on, but you are old enough to be my Great Grandmother, and although I often joke it would be great to have a woman who can "take her teeth out and give me a gummer", but now that it has been offered, I am balking.

Frankly, I am having a hard time believing some of the things you propositioned me with are actually feasible given your frail frame and the fact you are attached to a face mask for oxygen. You can not stand up without getting short of breath, so your claim, "I used to be a gymnast, and that comes in handy in the bedroom," does not seem realistic.

It was quite comical how your gown kept "falling off" when I was in the room, but not the female nurses aid. That never seems to happen when I have a 19 year old hot, Swedish patient, it must be a fault in the "cheap hospital gowns" like you proclaimed on numerous occasions.

Finally I would like to commend you at your quick and stealthy hands. I had managed to dodge them all night, until early morning when you feigned sleep and reached through the bed rail to, "see what I was packing." I hope I did not disappoint. It was like someone grabbed my groin with a pair of dry twigs.

Congratulations on making a relatively boring night into an exciting adventure. My favorite line of the night, "You are a big man, I want to climb all over you and explore." After a brief glimpse through your medical history I see you have had both hips replaced. I can only imagine what you were trying to do when you broke them.

I am actually single right now, and my capacity for being so selective is waning. Let's just chalk this one into the "maybe" column. It would be an ideal relationship. If things did not work out, I could probably just wait a few years, months, or maybe days until you kicked the bucket. If only you had a younger sister. Although 85 is a bit elderly, a horny 75 year old is open season in my book.

Nurse Killer


Liz said...

Would you have if you thought you could have gotten away with it?

You know, that's only a species away from being your dead deer story "tweeked" and retold. But the species thing makes a BIG difference.

fringes said...

I had a 90-year-old man try to finger me once as I brought him his lunch tray at the VA when I was in high school. Traumatized for life, I tell you. I feel your disgust.

othur-me said...

Is she rich?

EEK said...

Oh my God...it's just like Harold and Maude.