Friday, November 03, 2006

A Haunted House, Please

Liz tries to evoke the spirits:

I think that I like the thought of dead people hanging out in my house, riding to work with me, strolling through the cubicles in my office, standing around in line at the grocery store; you know. Being. The only time I believe in ghosts is when I am in the dark in a place where there is supposed to be an extreme level of paranormal activity. And then I believe in them for about 20 seconds before feeling like a total idiot.

But I keep hoping that one day I'll see something that will forever change my doubting mind.

I like to watch TV shows about haunted places and people that have had their homes exercised (that CAN'T be how you spell it) or even had to move because of some bad ass ghost being pissed that the family has moved in. I'm starting to notice a trend. Ghosts are hostile and messy, poor communicators and they totally don't pick up after themselves. I have therefore concluded that all ghosts are male.

I had a friend SWEAR to me that he had a female ghost that lived in his house and she molested him one night. I tired to explain to him that the "activity" literally occurred "in his dreams" but he would have none of my theory. He was sexually gratified by a ghost. End of discussion.

Humm... Maybe there are some perks to living in a haunted house...

I want a pet ghost but I want my ghost to help me do chores. I get TIRED of doing all the cleaning myself. I absolutely hate ironing. It would be NICE to come home and have a hot meal waiting for me. If ghosts are stuck on Earth because they weren't "good" enough to make it to heaven, this could help build up some nice-guy brownie points. If the ghost is bored, why the fuck not help me by making the bed in the mornings? Jeez. He's got an eternity staring him in the face. He might as well make a friend. Doing a load of laundry ever now and then would get my attention. I'd talk to him... and leave him notes (to do lists) around the house and I wouldn't even care if he saw me naked. It could be perfect!

I'm also delighted by some show that I've only seen part of once called "Celebrity Ghost Hunters" or something similar. This show puts "stars" in a haunted place, in the dark, and makes them get into the bowels of the haunted manor; camera of course in tow. The celebrities are supposed to be our eyes and ears; if they see it or sense it, we KNOW it's real. Gary Busey is biggest celebrity on the show. Other than Danny Bonaduce and Paris Hilton, can you think of a celebrity whose "impressions" you would trust less than Gary Buesy?

I'd be interested in your ghostly encounters, if you've ever had one. I'd also like a written commitment that if you have the option to haunt or not haunt upon your demise, you will consider my offer as outlined above.

By the way, Killer was supposed to stop in for a visit this evening but has strep throat. In lieu of cards and emails, you may make a charitable donation to me.



Killer said...

I would totally have my pet ghost come to your house and mess it up.
We could make our ghosts have battle royales in the living room.
This is why I don't get to have a ghost.

Why do you get money if I am sick?

fringes said...

I'd be a worse housekeeper in death than I am in life. I plan to die just so I no longer have to do shit like cleaning toilets.

mist1 said...

I have a ghost in my home. It drinks all my wine and gives me a headache.

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Liz said...


LOL. My pet ghost would totally kick your pet ghost's lazy ass.


I like your positive outlook on death. Thanks, I needed that.


I think your ghost has been over to my place a few times. Will you try and keep him in your neighborhood? These headaches are real killers.

othur-me said...

Liz, why wait until death to haunt people. I'm willing to take you up on your offer now. I will be your living ghost.

I'll totally clean up once in awhile. All I need is a place to sleep, some ghost snacks left out every now and then, leave the TV on while you're at work, and sure I'll take you up on the seeing you naked thing.

I hear ghost are more productive if they get lap dances.

Liz said...


Even though your offer to move in and live off my salary rent-free is a cute and funny offer, you really HAVE helped me see one thing more clearly. There is a VERY fine line between the description of a pet ghost and the description of a husband.