K is for Killer

Killer, kills. It has a nice ring to it.

I was asked a while back, "Do you think you could be a serial killer?" My rapid response was, "sure, why not. I got nothing else going on right now." An uncomfortable, nervous laugh from the inquirer, and then a pause. I just looked at her. It struck me that she was joking when she asked it, but after the pause I was not sure. Maybe she just likes to keep an inventory of possible murderers. Good idea, they say it is always the one you least suspect.

For some reason I thought about that incident today and spent some time contemplating it on a more serious level. Could I really be a serial killer? Unfortunately I came to the same conclusion, sure. I don't think I would be a good one, so I would have to do all my killing in a day or two, because I would probably get caught pretty quick.

Here are some pros and cons I have come up with about my serial killing abilities:

Pros:
Big person: I could over power most victims.
Sunny disposition: They would never see it coming.
Watch a lot of CSI: I have a good idea how to leave a crime scene.
I have a lot of free time: Frankly I need a new hobby.
I have really good friends: If I needed help getting rid of body, they would probably help me.
I move around a lot: I could really spread out the fear.

Cons:
Big person: I am really slow and lazy, the victims would pretty much have be strolling by.
Sunny disposition: I would be more likely to tell really bad jokes, instead of hacking someone up. I could hack them up in a funny manner, that might work.
Watch a lot of CSI: I am a hairy guy, I would probably not be able to avoid leaving a DNA trail of body hair all the way back to my apartment.
I have a lot of free time: I have a lot of free time, because I tend to start a hobby and then lose interest. I would probably kill one person then change to knitting. I want to be a serial killer not some random murderer.
I have really good friends: Knowing my friends they would see the dead body and then start brutally making fun of the way I killed them. Actually, my friends are dicks.
I move around a lot: I would never be able to keep up with my killing and torture implements. I would have to buy new ones every city, and that could get expensive.

Actually after writing it all down, maybe I should not be a serial killer. It is kind of depressing. It is this kind of "can't do" attitude that has kept me back my whole life. At some point I need to take a stand and prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to. This might not be the best choice of moments to make that stand, but that is what I always say.

I'll have to add it to my "to do" short list:
Learn Spanish
Write the great American novel
Kill a bunch of people in a ritualistic and disturbing manner