Friday, November 03, 2006

K is for Killer

Killer, kills. It has a nice ring to it.

I was asked a while back, "Do you think you could be a serial killer?" My rapid response was, "sure, why not. I got nothing else going on right now." An uncomfortable, nervous laugh from the inquirer, and then a pause. I just looked at her. It struck me that she was joking when she asked it, but after the pause I was not sure. Maybe she just likes to keep an inventory of possible murderers. Good idea, they say it is always the one you least suspect.

For some reason I thought about that incident today and spent some time contemplating it on a more serious level. Could I really be a serial killer? Unfortunately I came to the same conclusion, sure. I don't think I would be a good one, so I would have to do all my killing in a day or two, because I would probably get caught pretty quick.

Here are some pros and cons I have come up with about my serial killing abilities:

Big person: I could over power most victims.
Sunny disposition: They would never see it coming.
Watch a lot of CSI: I have a good idea how to leave a crime scene.
I have a lot of free time: Frankly I need a new hobby.
I have really good friends: If I needed help getting rid of body, they would probably help me.
I move around a lot: I could really spread out the fear.

Big person: I am really slow and lazy, the victims would pretty much have be strolling by.
Sunny disposition: I would be more likely to tell really bad jokes, instead of hacking someone up. I could hack them up in a funny manner, that might work.
Watch a lot of CSI: I am a hairy guy, I would probably not be able to avoid leaving a DNA trail of body hair all the way back to my apartment.
I have a lot of free time: I have a lot of free time, because I tend to start a hobby and then lose interest. I would probably kill one person then change to knitting. I want to be a serial killer not some random murderer.
I have really good friends: Knowing my friends they would see the dead body and then start brutally making fun of the way I killed them. Actually, my friends are dicks.
I move around a lot: I would never be able to keep up with my killing and torture implements. I would have to buy new ones every city, and that could get expensive.

Actually after writing it all down, maybe I should not be a serial killer. It is kind of depressing. It is this kind of "can't do" attitude that has kept me back my whole life. At some point I need to take a stand and prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to. This might not be the best choice of moments to make that stand, but that is what I always say.

I'll have to add it to my "to do" short list:
Learn Spanish
Write the great American novel
Kill a bunch of people in a ritualistic and disturbing manner


Liz said...

If you do decide to kill someone, make sure he's neat and before the ax falls, let him know that I'm looking for a renter (see my post above).

Actually, just stay away from this. Murder is SOOOO Detroit ghetto.

Greg said...

May goosta el Banyo! Good luck with the Spanish!

And send me an e-mail if you ever read this. I need to ask you a question about a new CD.