Thursday, January 25, 2007

Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty, I'm Free at last.

Killer, giddy from lack of sleep.

I have finished my self inflicted work schedule and now can recuperate with three weeks off work. Why do I have three weeks off? I am going to Mississippi to see my new nephew. Soon I will be influencing the life of a small child, and since he is related, I don't have to first tell my parole officer.

I have been seriously lacking in the posting department, and as promised, I will start off my return to blogging glory by finally answering EEK's tag from over a week ago.

Five Things You Really Don't Want to Know About Me
(but won't have the common sense to stop now, even after being warned)

1. I'm a polyorchid. That means I have more than one testicle. I have three to be exact. If you wondered why I talk about balls so much, that is it. Usually the doctors would remove the extra one shortly after puberty, but my parents could not get the day off work, so I kept it. I don't mind really because, if I get testicular cancer, I have one to spare, and that is important because my risk is increased by one third.

2. I never go on blind dates because everyone wants to fix me up with their overweight friend. It doesn't matter if we have nothing in common. It's just natural that we would both be so desperate we should cling together for our one shot at marriage. Fat people in love is so cute. I hate you skinny bastards.

3. I still can not eat the last pickle in the jar. It is a mental block, an irrational fear. That pickle was rejected on every other occasion. Hence it is my conclusion that this lone gherkin is gorged with bad karma. I don't need to ingest any extra bad karma.

4. I don't really take anything serious. If you tell me something, or if I see something on the news, I will subconsciously start making fun of it. Celebrity deaths, handicapped people, no subject is taboo. It really is an uncontrollable trait. The Anesthesiologist who did my surgery told me that when I was still partially sedated, and they removed my breathing tube, he told me to say something. I don't remember saying it but according to him my first words were, "Did you see that cat?" Him and the other staff looked concerned and he replied, "What cat?" "That cat who snuck in here and took a shit in my mouth."

5. Roughly 25% of everything I say is grossly exaggerated. For example, if I say I have three testicles I really only have one. One great big one, that I part down the middle to look like two.

11 comments:

Churlita said...

There's nothing wrong with exaggerating. I do it about a million times a day. How does one part their testicle?

Everyone tries to set me up with their moody, unhappy friends because they think I would be so good for them. I just want to be set up with someone who would be good for me for a change. Do you have any fun, jolly fat friends you could set me up with, or are they all skinny and unhappy?

Neil said...

Damn it. I hate when guys have more testicles than I do!

Liz said...

I'm glad you're back. The pressure of trying to keep this blog up by myself has been too much. I'm going on Blogcation until Sunday. Post!!! And make it funny or I'll kick you in your lone nad when I see later this month.

mist1 said...

I can juggle several testicles at one time...as long as they don't know one another.

Burg said...

My cousin's ex-husband only had one testicle. He was a real jerk.. One balled bastard!

chad said...

good to see you're back, mono-nut

Mayren said...

don't let the singular teste talk scare ya guys... This is merely a ploy to divert your attention from Liz's psycho Rib decorating side biz.

**back to your regularly scheduled Killer**

Funny that Killer less of a killer than Liz?

fringes said...

Glad you're back. I have nothing witty since I've already spent myself at Mist's.

EEK said...

You bastard. I really believed for a second that you have three testicles. I exaggerate on a frequent basis myself. Then become irked if the other person seems skeptical.

Nobody has ever tried to set me up on a blind date. I think I should be insulted about that.

apositivepessimist said...

I went as far to think..." Gee, Killer does have some balls". I even clicked on the link *cackle*, only to find you over counted them.

Never let under-exaggeration get in the way of a funny post.

briliantdonkey said...

wow this post was a roller coaster of emotions.

first:

::::That means I have more than one testicle. I have three to be exact.::::

ARRRRRGHHHH!H!! skeert me chitless till I realized Killer was back,,,,,Liz........testicle.....one or many NOT a good combo.

releif.....

then back to arrrrrghhh!!! what the HELL is he talking about them for? and three of them!

and back to relief....whew,,,,only one,,,,and parted....

arghhhhhhhhhhhh! I have just spent 2 seconds of my life contemplating a fat funny guy and his testicles.....

work tomorrow:

co worker: so bd,,,,what did you do last night?

ME: (violent head shake) nuttin! I didnt do nothing at all stop asking me about it! dayummm!

BD