Monday, January 15, 2007

Looking Sexy on a Box of Wheaties

Killer, going for gold.

Every Olympics they throw in some crazy sport to be trialed. A few years back they had trampoline gymnastics. Can you believe it? When I was younger, I was the King of "Crack the Egg" on the trampoline. I could have gotten a Gold medal.

I've decided to make a list of other events I want added, at least for a trial basis, so I can win a Gold. I want that medal real bad, and the Special Olympics gives everyone a medal, so that just cheapens the experience.

Summer Olympics:

Spring Board Belly Flop
I can really commit to a good belly flop. Not just because I have an ample belly, but because I am willing to endure pain and agony to beat the damn Russians.

Inebriated Discus
Basically the same as traditional discus throw, but you have to drink, the alcoholic beverage of your choice, until your Blood Alcohol Level is 0.20. If you puke during the spin it is an automatic DQ.

500 Pound Patient Transfer
This would involve a combination of speed and style points. You have to move a 500 pound patient from an ER gurney to a special "Big Boy" bed. Extra style points if you can do it without snickering or trying to see how far your finger will go into his belly button.

Winter Olympics

Downhill Snow Plow
On top of a double diamond run, full of unsuspecting skiers, the competitor is shoved off on a snowboard blindfolded. The more people he plows over before reaching the bottom the higher the score. (on my first/only attempt at snowboarding, on the bunny slope, I ripped the ass out of my new snow pants and caused a massive body pile up of small children on the tow rope. I think this gives me an advantage.)

The Anti-Biathlon
For those of you who don't know, the biathlon combines cross country skiing and target shooting. The anti-biathlon would allow a competitor to position themselves along the biathlon course with a water gun filled with urine. They then pop up and shoot the unsuspecting biathlete until they start chasing them with their rifle. Whoever makes it back to the starting line, without getting shot, and with the best time, wins.

5K Naked Snow Race
The only thing you can wear is a pair of flip flops in a race through a five foot snow drift. I love the cold. I would only insist on a disclaimer for television explaining to the ladies about cold weather and shrinkage.

I really think that if the Olympic committee would choose at least one of these options for a exhibition sport in the next Olympics, I could honestly have a shot at getting on the winner's podium. Maybe all the way to the top.


Churlita said...

I think you should make the patient transfer even more difficult - he/she should have a disease where they have no muscle control and start spasming mid-transfer. It would be the most difficult olympic sport ever...Well, besides the urine super soaker biathalon one.

EEK said...

"Extra style points if you can do it without snickering or trying to see how far your finger will go into his belly button."

You're terrible. I had to fake a coughing fit in order to cover up my laughter so that I wouldn’t risk having to explain to anyone what I was laughing at.

briliantdonkey said...

Great choices: Anti biatholon..... I sooooo saw you taking that in another direction. Hunting down the sexually confused, or sexually indecisive or something.

Great post as usual.


Anonymous said...

it is not "trampoline gymnastics" just trampoline. still a sport in the olympics, not one to be "trialed". suggest a bit more research before you blog away and plaster all over the internet. rolling around like an egg on the trampoline and comparing it to an olympic sport is a bit like having a blog and thinking that whatever you put down is worthy and funny.

Mel Francis said...

oh. Anon seems a little sensitive about trampolining. I suggest maybe you add "getting a sense of humor" to your list of "trialed" Olympic sports.

My god. whatever happened to the good old days when everyone's asshole wasn't puckered up like lemon-sucking lips?

Killer said...

I appologize to anonymous for speaking so flippantly about a sensitive subject. If I had known it was a regular event, I think it would have been even funnier to me.
My posts don't have to be worthy, unfortunately the internet does not have any such requirements.

How come whenever someone has something negative to say it is always anonymously?

Burg said...

I didn't know that the "trampoline" was actually in the olympics.. Do they have a duo category where you get extra points for bouncing one person higher?? Maybe a few extra points to bounce on your butt and back onto your feet? Who coaches? Kangaroos?

I'd say that to call it a "sport" is a bit of an overstatement.

Liz said...

I had something witty to say, but anonymous totally brought me down.

Maybe he was being funny himself? Read it again. I think he's joking. Afterall, no one execpt the parents of the trampers and the makers of cotton/poly uniforms would really give a shit, would they?

doc said...


the comments to anon are what is uptight.

you all need to lighten up a bit, expand your horizons beyond this little group. it seems that anything that doesn't stroke the blogger's rants will be slammed.

it is a little boring and pathetic. but maybe all that can be expected of what seems to be a less educated and very sedentary group.

maybe not possible for you? i hope it is.

chad said...

is anyone else wondering why someone who clearly wishes to present himself to all us slackers as both highly intelligent and one not to waste valuable time would do so by reading and commenting on something he feels is crap?

Burg said...

I would wonder if I was a little more educated and a little less sedentary...

Killer said...

I can talk about pooping, testicles, handicap people and post letters written by my shoes, but no one gets offended until I make a off hand remark about an obscure Olympic sport.
Please, "doc", feel free to not stroke my rants.
For the record, I don't actually think I could get a Gold medal in Trampoline. It was a joke.

I did not realize so many sensitive gymnasts lurked here.

EEK said...

No kidding. Geez Louise.

Churlita said...

No fair. You get all the good commenters. I want an uptight trampoline gymnast to come to my blog and dog everyone who reads it. What? Aren't my readers uneducated and sedentary enough to be judged by an acrobat?

Mel Francis said...

I almust wented fer a run at lunchin' time terday, but I was jes too tired to git up off the couch. Think I'll jes eat me another twinkie while I lay here...

Wavemancali said...

Maybe witty repartee should be the olympic sport of the blogger?

We'd kick those trampoliners in their weiners.

But seriously how tight must their search spiders be wound to pick up the comment section of a humor blog?

apositivepessimist said...

Oooh you’ve gone and done it now!! Besmirching the trampoliners [trampolinees?]. Now if they made it like a blood sport...first one to bounce the opponent off and into the brick wall of death. I’m so there as a spectator waving me big rubber finger.

Fringes said...

I'm back.

What'd I miss?

othurme said...

I just wanted to come forward and out myself as Anon and Doc. You've upset me to the point I am unable to blog for the last week and a half.

Killer, FU! Trampolines are rad. And I'm rad at them. When I do my Double Twist Pike Mounted Wonderflip and stuff it in the face of communism, who will be laughing then? HUH!?

(Seriously, has this what's been going on while I've had the flu? This blog gets funnier every day. I'm humbled.)

Jester said...

Competitive trampoline::Olympics



Both are weird, miscategorized, and virtually unwatchable, save for those of us waiting to see someone seriously hurt themselves.

Liz said...

Jester... Oh how witty! I love it!

Killer, I didn't realize that this post broke the 20 comment barrier. You deserve a Killer Rants crown. I'll make you one from left over Virgina Slim Super Slim Menthol boxes.

By the way, those are cigarettes, not tampons.

othurme said...

Do they make menthol flavored tampons?

Julie_Gong said...

I am so mad I missed out of this rant about trampolines. I have a case of depression for two days and see what I miss. Eff!

Who knew someone could get so worked up about a PATHETIC NOT REALLY AN OLYMPIC NON SPORT.

I just wrote that because I like to argue and start trouble. :)

nekkid said...

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