Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Go Forth Young Man and Make Me Proud

Proud Uncle Killer

In honor of the birth of my first nephew. I would like to offer some sage advice that I would like to someday pass along to my own male offspring, or in failing that, to my nephew, who will have to do.

Rules and Words of Wisdom every father should pass to his son.

Enjoy shitting in your pants now. After 5 it doesn't become socially acceptable again until 75.

No matter how good a dog treat looks (snausages, beggin' strips, etc.) they don't taste so great, and they really bind you up.

It's okay to scratch your balls, but not in public. Girls are jealous of them and it is impolite to rub it in their faces. **Unless your in Thailand where rubbing it in their faces is only five dollars extra.

Treat Kindergarten like Prison. On the first day you either make someone your bitch or become someone's bitch.

You hate girls right now, but unfortunately it won't last. Enjoy it because this will be the most uncomplicated time of your life.

In the shower: Rub it once and you are washing it. Rub it twice and you are playing with it. Rub it three times and you are addicted for life.

Don't be a nurse. Having your hand in someone Else's ass is not as cool as it sounds.

5 comments:

Fringes said...

Printing this out and taping it to Little Man's bathroom mirror.

Churlita said...

I'm not jealous of anyone's balls, tell your nephew to scratch away. That Thailand bit was hilarious/sad, though.

We used to dare each other to eat dog food when we were younger. I even knew a guy who ate canned food. Ew.

That kindergarten/prison analogy goes double for girls. little girls can be evil.

Bam said...

As I reflect to my youth...A wise man once said "son if you treat a lady like a whore and a whore like a lady, both will love you forever"

EEK said...

Sage wisdom, indeed. Your nephew and unborn children are all set.

Liz said...

Bam,

That wise man wasn't my dad or my uncle was it?

Don't tell me.