Thursday, January 04, 2007

A Gem From the Gym

Killer gets pumped.

I joined a gym this week. Don't go gettin' all, "good for you!" just yet. I join gyms a lot, it's what I do.

The plan is always the same. Wake up one day all motivated and full of piss and vinegar, go to the nearest gymnasium and ask for the Grand tour. On the tour I look for all my usual signs of good gym/bad gym.

Good Sign: Is there a rowing machine?
I used a rowing machine ONCE at a previous gym about three years ago, and seem to recall enjoying it. I have never used one again, but I like to know it is available in case I decide to take up rowing professionally.

Bad Sign: Sexually confused weightlifters
Are there a lot of testosterone laden dudes "spotting" for each other on bench presses yelling things like, "Come on Dog! One more Dawg!" (this is often followed inexplicably by barking noises) This kind of behavior disturbs me. Pretending to be an Alpha Male does not hide the fact that you are precariously positioned so that your ball sweat is dripping onto another guy's face. Whenever I see this activity I start to laugh and, traditionally, those guys don't like to be laughed at.

Here is my first day gym routine, which has been followed to the letter in at least ten cities.
Arrive at gym, get the tour, spot the rowing machine, fight a snicker as a dude tries to bench press 200 pounds while not, obviously, looking up his buddies short shorts, and enter the paperwork arena.
"Three year contract?"
"Is there a "move away" clause if, for some distant reason, I should need to move. Say in three to six months?"
"Sign me up."
After doing all these daunting exercises in self control, they always ask the same question, "Are you going to work out today?"
"You bet I am."
Then I make the long tortuous journey to the locker room. Why did I sign that paper? I already want to leave. Oh well, I have thirty minutes to burn before Pizza Hut's buffet starts.
SO, once in the locker room, I change, strap on the ipod, and make my way to the elliptical machine. Preferably one not facing the confused weight lifters.

I will set the machine for thirty minutes, but after ten I am bored. I will have almost fallen off twice due to attempting to change the music on my ipod to something more inspiring. I will then justify my leaving with, "I should take it easy the first day. I don't want to pull a hammy." Once free from the gym I will sit in my car for fifteen minutes waiting for Pizza Hut's buffet to start. I'll ride that workout high for near two weeks before guilt railroads me back to the gym.

I don't move around the country every three to six months for my job. I am fleeing an obligation to have balls dangled in my face.


Churlita said...

I might join a gym if it meant that there would be balls dangled in my face.

I've never been to a real gym. I go to a rec center here to swim or run, but I've never even been on a treadmill before. I'm sure I'd try to jump on and off it, before I realized you could just turn it off and step down from it.

Mostly I run outside and when I go with my daughter, she just wants to run to the nearest store to buy ice cream and walk back so we can eat it on the way home.

desiree said...

I like the tag for this one, homo erotic conspiracy. You could just donate your membership to me. I am too poor to do the join/drop out thing so I am always on the "take up jogging again" track. I did jog, back in highschool.

Pizza hut has a buffet? Hell yes, I gotta find me one of these.

Fringes said...

Why did God invent exercise? This is all Jesus fault.

EEK said...

I'm stupid and signed up to do this thing called 'Hustle up the Hancock' here in Chicago. It's where you run up the stairs of the second tallest sky scraper in Chicago.

I hate it when I forget how inherently lazy I am.

mist1 said...

I prefer not to sweat in public.

Liz said...

"Hustle Up The Hancock" sounds a lot like having balls dangled in your face.

Margaret said...

I'd totally run with churlita's daughter, but I've developed a sort of running in place odc and they don't have that at any gym
I've called

briliantdonkey said...

Liz soooooo stole my thunder.

type faster bd type faster!


Jester said...

I don't really have any room to talk, since I have a "lifetime membership" to 24 hour fitness and I haven't been once in the past 6 months.

Maybe if the guys there were willing to dangle their balls in my face...

Mayren said...

I'm glad you stand up for your rights and so NO to Tea-bagging.


chad said...

i'm just glad to see that ball sweat has made a triumphant return to the blog.