Sunday, January 28, 2007

Things of Little Use

Liz reflects on her experiences:

I get the whole "different strokes for different folks" thing. As a matter of fact, I really enjoyed Different Strokes back in the '80's. Here, however, are some things that I personally find of little use:

  • Larry the Cable Guy. Last night I went over to a friend's house and we watched Larry The Health Inspector. I wasn't expecting much, but the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is funny enough and, being one open to new things, I thought I'd give this movie a shot. Aside from the line, "Have you ever farted so hard it made your back crack?" the movie was .25 stars. Ok, that's not fair. It was probably .5 stars. That's easier to color in. But the real star is Larry the Cable guy... who should be fixing my car instead of being famous. He's just not funny to me. There. I said it. Revoke my southernness.
  • My massage chair. It's not one of those real massage chairs, it's a vibrating massage chair. What a waste. All it does is make my back itch and give me a headache. For sale. Price? Whatever a real massage chair costs.
  • John Mayer. I keep wanting to like this guy. I try really hard to enjoy him, but it just doesn't click for me. He was on television, I think Austin City Limits, and I tried watching some of it. I knew if I stuck with him, I'd be a fan. Instead, it's the only time I ever recall wishing that PBS had commercials.
  • $4 coffees. I like coffee. It didn't start until 30 years old, but now I'm passionate about a steaming cup of joe. Although I like Starbucks and Seattle Drip, there ain't nothing wrong with Folgers from the red can. Coffee snobs who will not drink anything other than Starbucks really are idiots. It's ok to judge their entire contribution to humanity based on this one factor.
  • CSI: 5 spin offs. Let me qualify this by saying that I have never seen a single episode of any CSI. However, there can't be a valid need for one crime drama to have so many spin offs. As useless as the Flavor Flav spin off, I Love New York.
  • Paula Abdoul. I like her, but she's useless.
  • Blogs about what you are eating every day. These food diaries may help people lose weight, which is great, but electing to publish them on the Internet seems a little psychotic to me. When I stumble across some one's food diary, I have to ask, "Why the fuck?"
  • Anything with "Boob Inspector" written on it is useless. Most men are boob inspectors. We know this. Stating the obvious on a baseball cap seems a little useless to me.
  • Morning breath. Why? Is there any biological reason this is a necessity? Is God against morning intercourse or something?
  • Fashion trends. When you stop and think about it, tribal groups have been wearing pretty much the same thing since the loom was invented. Why are industrialized countries so obsessed with fashion trends? Really, clothes are for warmth and modesty, right? Why did I JUST pay $85 for a pair of blue jeans? Stupid. That's why.
  • Puppy mills. Oh. I can't even go here. Let me just say that unless you're planning on entering your dog in a beauty contest, please consider the pound before you shell out $500 or more on a dog. There are a lot of people out there who think of your puppy as nothing more than money, so the treatment they provide for Mr. Rocky is less than humane. Meanwhile, there are great pets sitting in cold cages waiting for a good home. Please? It gives you brownie points with God to rescue abandoned animals.
  • Men married more than 4 times. Hey, I know several. If they've gone through 4 marriages, it's not them, it's him. A man willing to commit at that level is of little use to me.
  • A new Rocky movie. I'm even worried about the upcoming Indiana Jones movie. I LOVE Indiana Jones. LOVE IT.... but I'm really nervous about this decision. I'm keeping my fingers crossed- which is totally useless because it's either going to suck or not suck.
  • Hate crimes. Damn it, people, why are there still hate crimes in the United States? You don't like gay people, ok, whatever, but why hate to the point of violence? A Muslim lives in the apartment over you? So? Unless he's plotting his own hate crime, which he very likely is NOT, what's the problem? Illegal aliens? I resent them because of economic reasons, but I can't hate them. Especially to the point of chasing after them with heavy sticks. Hate crimes only show us how uncivilized we really are. Want to truly find out who the idiots in this world are? Ask them about some race issue. If they generalize ad nausea, they are idiots- black, white, or other. Useless idiots.
  • World's Best Boss coffee cups. I want one, but useless.


briliantdonkey said...

I would tend to agree with quite a few of those. I DO however find Larry the cable guy to be fairly funny though. The 8 dollar coffee craze thing definitely! Then again, I don't drink hardly any coffee. That said, perhaps you are doing it wrong. Perhaps this is a time when all that algebra crap comes in handy. They always said two negatives equals a positive so Maybe you have to drink the starbucks coffee out of the 'boss' coffee mug for it to work. Worth a shot. Then again that may cause some sort of double negative explosion or something.


Churlita said...

Yeah, my daughters' really liked John Mayer when they were 11 and both of them outgrew him once they hit Junior high. Kinda like the Spice Girls but more folky and less fun.

Who knows? Paula Abdul might be more useful if she would lay off the pills. I still don't know what's wrong with her mouth. She talks like she's wearing dentures - a friend of mine blames that on the pills as well.

You don't see women walking around with dick inspector ball caps, do you?

Hate crimes and puppy mills are not only useless, they're atrocious.

Red said...

Totally hear you, especially on John Mayer and massage chairs. I loathe him and my mom once got trapped by one (in that order).

mist1 said...

Morning breath is the reason that sex from behind was invented.

chad said...

i think you can add your technique for selling your massage chair to this list

Killer said...

My nipples are useless. They don't serve any purpose.