Friday, January 26, 2007

The Truth is Boring

Killer is a filthy liar

When on the road by myself, I often lie to bartenders about my job. I don't know why, but saying travel nurse gets boring and always illicits the same questions. "What's that? Where are you from?" When I answer Mississippi, I get a look that implies the following thought process, "is he in the KKK? Can he read? Does he live in a trailer? Does he sleep with his own kin?"
The answers are always, No, Yes, No, Sometimes.

It's a challenge to invent a career instantly and believably. The secret lies in choosing a field that is both confusing and so ridiculous no one can verify it's truth. It also helps to be able to judge other's gullibility. The following are a few of my favorite pseudo careers and snippets from the conversations that they created.

I'm a Free Lance Astronaut
BT: "What's that?"
ME: "I got tired of the government and all their archaic "weight" requirement bullshit at NASA, so I now am a free agent, and work for any yahoo with a rocket ship."
BT: "Who else has rocket ships?"
ME: "Other countries, but the language barrier is trouble, so I mostly work for private American companies. You know, deliveries for the space station and satellite repair jobs."
BT: "What made you decide to be an astronaut?"
ME: "When I was little I really loved Tang."
Did she believe me? Not sure, I got a free beer, but she was young, and I believe she thought "Tang" was a code word for Vagina.

I do Voice Overs for Commercials
BT: "Do you do any big commercials?"
ME: "Right now I am involved in a national campaign for Valtrex."
BT: "The herpes medicine?"
ME: "Yes, (in deep announcer voice) 'Do you suffer from genital herpes?'"
BT: "Eww, those commercials kind of creep me out. Do they pay much?"
ME: "Yeah, and Valtrex is great, because I get a free life time supply of Valtrex. So, that saves me a lot of money."
Did she believe me? Apparently, she did not talk to me again.

I'm a Professional Wrestler
BT: "Really!? What's your name?"
ME: "We wrestlers don't use our real names. My wrestling name is 'Killer Kadoogan', but sometimes I have to wear a mask and then my name changes often."
BT: "Are you on TV?"
ME: "I'm pretty new, so I usually have to wrestle before the cameras are turned on, but I have been on a few times to lose to some old wrestler. I'm due to make the big event soon though."
BT: "Is wrestling real?"
ME: "I took an oath to never answer that question."
Did they believe me? I was hammered and told this story to everyone in the bar, during Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I got a lot of free beads and even more free drinks. There were a few nay sayers, but they eventually took their picture with me like everyone else, just in case.


Mel Francis said...

There were a few nay sayers, but they eventually took their picture with me like everyone else, just in case.

I knew you were lying! I knew it. But nooooo, my friends all told me they'd "seen" you before. That I should be embarrased for not recognizing you. So I went along with the crowd. I should've stuck to my guns. I was never any good standing up to peer pressure...

Churlita said...

You've been talking about wrestling a lot. Maybe you should think about an exciting new career.

Oh, and have fun on your time off. Maybe you can use it to think up some more good imaginary jobs.

Joey said...

So you never tell the ladies you are an amateur gynecologist? That line almost never works.

briliantdonkey said...


other than that All I can say is....