NEWS FLASH: Hummus Terrorizes City

I woke up this evening with one hour before I had to be at work. I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom where I showered, shaved, applied powder to any high chafe areas, and dressed for work. The only thing left was to get something to eat. I trudged into the kitchen and opened the fridge. This is a list of the contents: 1/2 pound of shaved ham, a half full container of what started out as hummus, but now more resembles a high school science project, one bottle of Pyramid India Pale Ale, a jar with one lonely dill pickle, and a motley collection of condiments and salad dressings. My cabinets had even less: four boxes of cereal, all half full, the oldest dating back six months, the youngest five weeks. What to eat? I opted for a handful of shaved ham and debated the pickle. I have issues with eating the last pickle. Fate had determine that compared to all the other pickles this one was the least appealing. It reminds me of the poor kid who no one wants to pick for their team in gym class. I decided to let this pathetic little pickle wallow in self pity a little longer. I can't throw out the hummus for fear of what might happen when it reaches room temperature in the garbage can. It will have to remain in the fridge until I happen to think of it the exact moment I am taking out the garbage. The hummus will probably be in there when I move, or it will finally achieve self awareness and manage to escape it's confines. I only have myself to blame for the meager food offerings in my kitchen. I was off for one night, but could not motivate myself to go to the grocery store. Now I am going to have to go when I get off work in the morning, or be forced to eat the other 1/4 pound of shaved ham tomorrow night, and rethink my last-pickle phobia. I could take my chances with the hummus. If I never blog again you will know I went for it. I love to live life on the edge.

Motherly love makes my psychiatrist rich

My mother, who often responds to my blogs anonymously due to a lack of computer skills, rather than fear of her identity being known, responded to my last entry with reference to a Christmas gift that is meant to help with my singularity. The gift in question, since fellow blogger Liz (see link to right) has expressed an interest, is a book. "The Game, Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick Up Artists" by Neil Strauss, was given to me on Christmas morn. It is a lovely book, leather bound with gold edging to the pages. It actually looks very much like a bible. I have only briefly glanced through it, since I do most of my reading at work, and the subject matter raises many eyebrows. It is not really a read-in-the-park book. Most females would probably have second thoughts about a guy reading a book on how to pick up women. Which brings me to think of a new list. What are the worst possible books to be reading while trying to pick up women. Below are my choices:

1. "The Game, Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists"
2. "How to Hypnotize a Woman in Five Easy Steps"
3. "Date Rape Drugs, The Misunderstood Ice Breaker"
4. "Life After Herpes, And Other Non-Curable STD's"
5. "Dianetics, by L. Ron Hubbard"
6. "Bitch Slap, The Pimps Guide to Controlling Your Women"

I personally own two of the above mentioned books. I have already mentioned number one. The other is left to your imagination.
Killer

Worst possible pick up lines

A discussion has begun with some work mates. What is the worst possible pick up line one could use on a stranger? Myself and my travel companion numero uno, Chad, have a personal favorite pick up line, "Hello, you are almost ugly enough to be willing to sleep with me." Although this line has not been successful as of yet, I am still sticking to my guns. Some of the top suggestions from the work discussion are listed below:

"Howdy, I am Michael and it burns when I pee."
"My court appointed psychologist says I am finally ready to be around females again, can you sign this paper saying I did not hit you?"
"Please ignore the rash on my neck...the weird thing is that yesterday it was only on my balls."
"I would like to ask you out, but not for dinner. You look like you would eat a lot, and money is tight since I am unemployed."
"I have a bet with my friends. They think you are a dude, but I said a trani would have better make up."

Please feel free to respond with any suggestions you might have. I am going to compile the best ones and field test them.
Killer

"Oh, the lines." The Pinnacle of American Society.

I have spent the last few nights watching a great deal of late night infomercials. I have been at work, so my choices have been limited. My patient is in a coma, so he does not mind what we watch on TV. I really think the quality of products being schilled on late night TV has greatly declined in the last few months. Where are the ground breaking items of yesteryear? The George Foreman Grill with it's magical fat dispelling abilities, and don't forget the lines (Oh, the lines!). The Ab-Rocker was offering a nation of fatties a chance to join the ranks of the fit and beautiful, and for only four easy payments of $24.99. Jerry Springer was offering an uncut version of his life affirming TV show, giving the masses a chance to see redneck breasts in the comfort of their own homes. Now the George Foreman can be purchased at any Walmart and the Ab-Rocker, although not the fat buster I hoped for, can hold more dress shirts without wrinkling them than my closet. The important factor was that they offered dreams of a better life. A life where eating one pound of hamburger meat could be less guilt ridden since the fat was drained away by the magic of gravity, and the thought that for just 20 minutes a day, three days a week I to could have abs of steel. Lastly, if all else failed, I could rest assured that I was never going to have sex with my sister, strip naked, and fight for her honor. Atleast not on national Television.
The items offered up on infomercials now is sad and pathetic. Jack Lalanne is hawking juicers while wearing the same unflattering, one piece jump suits he wore in the fifties. Why would anyone want to make a drink out of the decrepit stock of vegetables found abandoned in the bottom of your fridge? If I ever decide to make a beverage out of two carrots, a banana, and what might, or might not, be a tomato than I am in no shape to be left alone with any electrical equipment needed to do so. The next item up for sale was the Shark Blaster. It is a special floor cleaner for hard wood, linoleum, or tile floors. It is an amazing device for people who are unable to understand the complex theories behind a mop and water. The most amazing item from this infomercial is the way they make it seem really, really hard to use common household items, brooms, mops, the swifter sweeper, a maid, etc.
I am afraid this might be it for America. I personally feel that late night infomercials are a gauge of the ingenuity and resourcefulness of our once great country. It is imperative for our national psyche that we keep reaching for the life we always dreamed of, but in a manner that does not make us miss important television shows, or sweat a lot like some third-world-country laborer. I imagine the Roman Empire met a similar demise. A civilization has to peak at some point. Rome made it all the way to Vomitoriums and socially acceptable public orgies before it's demise. The next great civilization will look back and see we made it all the way to the Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine. Which civilization was better? I feel that debate might be waged for centuries to come. Unless we get busy with our own socially acceptable public orgies I personally feel Rome has us beat.

Chuck Norris?!?

I have discovered what could possibly be the funniest thing I have ever found on the internet. I bow down to the people who created this website. It is a random "fact" generator. The subject is Chuck Norris. Every time you put in the address it gives you a random fact about Chuck Norris. Apparently they have done one for Vin Diesel as well. I have not taken the time to verify all these facts, but from what I do know about Mr. Norris, some could be true. Here is are examples of some of my favorite facts: "If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can not see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death." "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, to bad he has never cried."
Here is the link to the main site: www.4q.cc/chuck but the best section is the top thirty (you can rate the fact in order to get to see a new one).
The link to the top thirty list is: www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty
I found this list by a story in Yahoo news. They were discussing the website with Chuck Norris himself. He apparently finds it flattering and did not appear to deny any of the information provided. This leaves me to deduct that atleast most of it is true.

Sticking it to the man!

I was just emailing a friend and encouraging her to steal for me when an interesting thought arose. What are you willing to steal and from whom will you steal it from? I have personally worked at many hospitals around the country and have absconded with many supplies for upcoming backpacking trips. Usually small items such as dressings, tape and bandages. Is it morally reprehensible for me to do this?
This train of thought was set into motion while I was asking a friend of mine, who works for a Nissan plant in Mississippi, if she would sneak onto the production floor and steal me an ash tray for a Nissan Titan. I don't own a Nissan Titan, but I thought it would be a funny thing to ask someone to do. She works in an educational role at the plant and is pretty much granted access to all areas. I have another friend who worked for a paper supply company and he used to provide me and my family with cases of toilet paper, although very rough and unpleasant paper, but free non the less.
I would not walk into a grocery store and steal bandages or tape, and I am pretty positive my toilet paper supplier would not be willing to shoplift a crate of TP. So, is it knowing a company from the inside and believing they deserve, or could afford, the loss the motivator, or is it the lack of fear of reprisal that creates this level of comfort for theft? On a side note: my Nissan employed comrade would more than likely be willing to steal from Walmart owing to a underlying hatred and dislike of that particular corporation.
I imagine this could be a problem if you are a kleptomaniac. Your job could be in jeopardy if you stole uncontrollably. Apparently as a klepto there needs to be no rhyme or reason to the theft. I was traveling with a large group of people once and one was a kleptomaniac. We went into a small-town general store on one stop and the person in question spirited away with a can of dog food, though she had no dog, and a lint screen from a used dryer for sale in the back of the store. I was deeply perplexed by her choices and she could offer no explanation.
So, is it wrong to steal from your employer? Does it matter if the employer is a large, heartless corporation, or a small, mom-and-pop operation? Can I steal batteries from the hospital for my camera and still be able to sleep at night? Am I the reason healthcare is so ridiculously expensive in this country? These are the questions I need to answer.
I will let you know if I ever receive my ash tray from the middle console of a 2006 Nissan Titan, fresh from the factory floor, and if any of you need a brand new, unused enema bag let me know. I can get them for free.

HIPPA Violation?

I have previously mentioned my role in the healthcare industry, combine this with my eagerness to entertain and my ability to tell stories and you get many stories regaled upon family and friends. Tonight, however, a pinnacle has been reached. I have actually feared this happening before. You could even call it a phobia. I walked into my patients room tonight and he was engrossed in full blown masturbation. I am not sure if he noticed me or not. I immediately exited the room upon realization of what was occurring. Considering the vast majority of patients in our unit are extremely sick and comatose this gentleman appears to be recovering spendidly. Please understand, I would have knocked except these rooms don't have doors, just curtains. Curtains which are rarely closed. Don't get me wrong, I am no saint or prude. I just feel that some activities are not really suited for public locations. If the only thing separating yourself from a busy, person-filled hallway is a half closed curtain then all activities below the mason Dixon line should be limited to business related functions only.
I wish to offer up a helpful hint for all future hospital patients. When in the hospital, if you are connected to a heart monitor, do not engage in any sexual activities, neither with a partner nor self inflicted. Engaging in these activities can raise your heart rate and set of alarms and alerts bringing multiple staff members to your room to investigate. This will not only cause embarrassment to yourself, but can also be traumatizing to the unsuspecting staff. I may never be able to enjoy cocktail wienies ever again.
Killer

Blaze of Glory

Another year down, only 49.5 more years to go. I just used a life expectancy calculator to determine how much longer I have to put up with you people and it turns out I am supposed to live until I am 82.6. I have decided that I have had enough of the lot of you and am going to start smoking to quicken my demise. 82.6 years!?! I would not be so worried, but I work in the healthcare industry and I have seen how bad the later years can be. I would much rather die in a blaze of glory at 55 than live the last 10 years of my life wearing dirty adult diapers and constantly wondering if I already fed the cat, especially since I won't have a pet cat. I would really rather not catch some strange or painful disease so it will have to be a quick death. I don't really think suicide is the answer. Maybe just a little irresponsible living or a new hobby of base jumping or something along those lines. I think this life expectancy calculator is a bismal idea. I was much happier assuming I was heading to a heart attack around the mid to late fifties. I have been considering myself well into my midlife crisis already, and it turns out I am too early. What am I going to do in ten years when I really hit midlife. I don't really think I can top what I have already done. It is obvious now, however, that I need to have atleast one child by the time I am sixty. That way they are old enough to take care of me in the waning years of my life. I should probably have two just to hedge my bets. You never know how kids are going to react to aging adults. I don't want to have a ungrateful child who is just going to throw me into a nursing home at the first sign of trouble. I mean, that is my plan for my own parents. Just the other day my mother asked me to open a jar of pickles for her so I started calling around for pamphlets from nursing homes. I can't bear to watch them suffer.
If you want to calculate your own life expectancy I am going to include a link to the site, but you are forewarned. You may not want to know how long you are going to live. I am going to keep adding new bad habits until I get my life expectancy down to a reasonable 60 or lower.
I will keep you informed.
http://gosset.wharton.upenn.edu/~foster/mortality/perl/CalcForm.html

Back Tracking

I just went back and posted all the emails from my S.E.Asia journey to this blog. This way future generations can keep better record of how cool I am. It might be tricky, it seems you have to first choose July from the right side menu "archives" in order to see the very beginning.
Thank you for your support
Killer
ps: to check out corresponding photos from above mentioned trip check out the photo website.
http://homepage.mac.com/killerific/PhotoAlbum1.html

The Old Man and the C

I have come to realize that I am getting too old for my lifestyle. I am 32. I have reached an age at which people no longer find it entertaining that I stay out late drinking with friends or that I spent the weekend in Vegas gambling. I remember, not very long ago, when I would regale my fellow co-workers about stories of parties gone awry or tales of horrific hangovers that would be met with sly smiles of memories of their own youth. Now I see a different look. A look of concern and consternation. I expect to find pamphlets for AA or local rehab facilities stuffed into my locker at work. I am not sure where the cut off technically is for the youthful lifestyle. I am certain, however that I have surpassed it in the eyes of society. I don't feel guilty and I don't feel old. I just feel the same as I did ten years ago when it would be normal for me to act the way I do. I received an email today from a close highschool friend who now has four children and is a stay at home mom. Am I out of touch with reality? Should I be pursuing the domesticated lifestyle more? If my lifestyle is dangerously close to pathetic now how will it be viewed in ten more years. Is anyone going to find humor in a 42 year old single male, who spends the bulk of his finances traveling aimlessly around the world, drinking local beers and hitting on foreign chicks? I can only hope so since that is the most likely outcome. I fear that this whole lifestyle may be enabled by a sub-conscious fear of "the C-word", commitment. I won't even get a pet because it would be too much responsibility, even just a fish. I currently have a pet plant but even it has caused some problems. I have to find someone to watch it when I go out of town for prolonged periods of time. They need to have pet loaner services for people, like me, who only want a dog for the weekend. These pets would have to be good with people and understand their delicate situation of a fear of commitment and lack of ability to get the needed contact from a regular pet. Sort of like a prostitute, except one that might take a dump on your carpet. I think the prostitute would do that also if you asked her, but it might cost extra.

Neuticles

A close friend of mine is planning to send his young, innocent yellow lab under the knife. It appears the vet has recommended that it would be a good idea to remove his testicles. My friend had been fighting this outcome since the lab joined the family, but alas, it has come to an end and poor Duke is going to pay the ultimate price. If removing the testicles from a dog can help to calm it and keep it better controlled maybe we should be applying this principle to our own species. Instead of placing large numbers of children on Ritalin, and other anti-hyperactivity medications, maybe we should just have them spade or neutered. I mean, we are becoming ever increasingly over populated, plus this one time "fix" would be less expensive than years of prescription drug costs. Don't forget the benefit of taking away some income from the evil pharmaceutical companies. When little Johnny won't sit still in class and keeps getting D's on his report card just get his junk removed, and voila, problem solved. The same goes for adorable, sweet Sally. You can't have her going around in heat trying to hump anything that shows up. This is why teen pregnancy is rampant in our society. I am sure Bob Barker would be willing to join the cause. He seems infatuated with having the reproductive organs removed from animals. I personally believe this is the key to his youthful appearance. He is probably 138 years old by now, but he is still doing that TV show. I would not be surprised to find out he has been collecting all these discarded testicles and ovaries and making some kind of magical salve or something that he uses at night when he sleeps in a giant helium filled tank. Having children spade or neutered would not even be all that traumatic for them. It turns out my friend is going to go through with the de-balling of his beloved Duke because of the Ig Noble Prize winning invention, Neuticles. This is an ingenious creation of prosthetic testicles. My friend is going to pay for the replacement of real, free-of-charge testicles for prosthetic testes because he, "does not want to stare at an empty sack hanging from Duke". If this invention is provided for little boys who are neutered at a young age, then they need never know about the whole ordeal. When little Johnny is horrified about having to shower naked in front of the other boys in gym class you can rest assured it will not be due to his "empty sack". You could even do what my friend plans to do and upgrade those babies, and get your kid a really large set of balls. As for sweet Sally, she could not see her ovaries anyway, so no harm no foul.

I Am Pretty

I decided to post a picture so you, my faithful readers can see how beautiful I am. I will take a moment to allow you to drink in the image.
I almost did not post it. I do not want ladies out there getting uncontrollably turned on by the photo.

A New Beginning

He we go, I am stepping into the wonderful world of "blogging". I don't proclaim to have anything worthwhile to say, nor any profound statements. I just usually want to talk, but have no one around to speak with. It will quickly become obvious that my train of thought derails so often, it is probably not a safe way to travel. I have not really researched any other blogs, so don't really know if there are any standards or practices I am supposed to uphold. I checked out a few while setting up this one and I did not really understand what was going on. Several were in foreign languages and the others I could not figure out what the writer was trying to say. There seemed to be lots of one or two sentence entries. I did not feel like investing the time and energy to back track through several old entries to pick up the story line. I hopefully will make all my entries independent and able to enjoy without much work. It seems strange to me that I could sit in my apartment in my underwear writing aimlessly and moments later a middle aged, widower in Sweden can be reading what I have to say. It is a lot of pressure to say something entertaining. What I say could push someone over the edge to kill themselves, or maybe just decide to quit reading blogs altogether. It would be a huge blow to my self esteem if I contribute heavily to the downfall of blogging. It is inevitable since I am always on the tail end of a fad. I was the last kid to wear parachute pants, I listened to hair metal way too long, and I still play with lawn darts. So read quickly and don't admit to your friends that you are. The only thing worse than admitting you have a blog is reading them.
Thanks
Killer

S.E.Asia Final Log

Well my faithful followers, I have finally rejoined you all in the great U.S. of A. I arrived back in Mississippi on Monday and have been recovering from Jet lag and a general crappy feeling ever since. I have a job interview lined up in Memphis this week and should be back to work in no time. I spent to much money and destroyed many innocent brain cells while in SE Asia. I really recommend you go if you get the opportunity. I have enjoyed writing you all about our adventures and hope you found them informative and enlightening. I would continue them, but I fear that my regular lifestyle could not live up to the adventures regaled upon you from far away lands. They would probably go a little like this:
Hello, I woke up this afternoon and went to work. (if I could insert sound effects right now I would add some crickets chirping, some wind blowing, maybe even a quiet cough from the audience.) well, I then finished working, came home and went back to bed.
Not to thrilling. You will all have to wait until my next trip. Chad, Bam and myself have tentatively scheduled a journey into Africa for next summer.
So in order to end on a positive note I will recap the most important lessons learned on my trip:
1. Although only larger than average here in America, I am freakishly large in S.E. Asia, and they love to point that out. (I can say fat in 4 languages)
2. When in Bangkok if the tuk-tuk drivers ask you if you want "boom-boom" don't be frightened and think they are offering sex with themselves. More importantly NEVER agree to go see the "ping pong show" no matter how curious you become. It is worse than you can imagine.
3. If you are walking by a street food vendor and notice roaches, crickets, grasshoppers, scorpions, grubs or ants in the food, don't make a big deal about it. They are probably supposed to be there, and are apparently a good source of protein.
4. When going through customs of a third world country don't joke around and say, "these baggies full of heroin that I swallowed are making my stomach ache." They don't have much of a sense of humor, and you won't poop right for a week after a cavity search.
5. When eating with the locals don't try to impress the ladies by saying, "I'll have what she is having." See number 3.
6. Bring your own toilet paper. A lot of Asian bathrooms forgo toilet paper, but do offer a water hose next to the toilet. If you are not familiar with spraying your own butt with a hose you are either going to end up with a soaking wet back, or a 2 gallon cold water enema.
I hope all this information is useful in your everyday lives. If you decide to go to SE Asia let me know and I can probably offer up some even more useful nuggets of information.
Thank you all for listening,
traveler extraordinaire
Michael

S.E.Asia Travel log 11

Hola mi amigos, I once again come to you in this magical online world to keep you up to date of our journey. But, I would like to begin by wishing everyone well who is either in the New Orleans/Biloxi areas or has friends or family there. We have been keeping track of the disaster on the news here. I don't believe anyone receiving these emails is currently in New Orleans, but many of you probably have loved ones there.
We are currently in Chiang Mai, which is a small city in Northern Thailand. It is a great city and I recommend it to anyone who ever gets out this way. Yesterday we took a day long trek with a tour group up to a few of the local sites. We went to several water falls and a few local villages that apparently have not decided to move into the new Millineum, hell, many of them have not decided to move into the 1900's. The primary source of income for most the villages like this in the area is from tour groups coming to look at them while they sit around making blankets or necklaces. I guess it beats moving to the big city and being a garbage man, or a nurse. We also were taken to the highest point in Thailand. I should point out that were driven to within 50 meters of the top. There is no way I was going to walk to the highest point. I don't want to walk to the highest point in Mississippi, and that can probably be reached by climbing a ladder onto my house. ANYWAY, back to the point, the problem with the highest point in Thailand is, it is on top of a mountain, but it is surrounded by trees. You would think they would clear a space so you could look out over the rest of Thailand. I am beginning to suspect the guide realized he was running out of time so he just pulled over into the woods and said, "here we are. The highest point in Thailand." We could not look around to verify his statement. He did get us back to town on time, so kudo's to him.
We are flying back to Bangkok in a few hours, and my journey will be coming to an end in a few days. I am will back to the rat race with the rest of you. So, save me some cheese, and don't cure all the patients before I can get back and get a job.
See you all soon
Michael

S.E.Asia Travel log 10

Ten! Ten travel logs. This journey of ours is only is only nine weeks long, so you guys are getting an average of over a letter a week. Man, I wish I had a friend who was so good at corresponding as I am. I think everyone of you who know Chad should take a moment to reflect on how many letters he has sent out. If it is taking you a long time to count them up then you must all be from Mississippi, because it should only be about 2 at the most. I don't see how you guys can put up with him. If I knew anyone else who loved to travel as much as myself, PLUS looks so damn cute in speedos, I would dump Chad.
We have made it back to the great city of Bangkok. We survived the boat ride back from the Perhentian Islands. We were picked up by a REALLY small boat packed with about 15 people. I thought we were over crowded on the first boat, man they really know how to maximize transportation down in South East Asia. I guess when you only charge $4.00 US for a twelve hour bus ride you have the right to pack in the people with a giant shoe horn. Well, we left the islands and took a cab to the border and walked into Thailand, took a train to Hat Yai in Southern Thailand and then took a plane to Bangkok. If any of you have ever seen the movie "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles", if you add a boat then that is what Me and Chad did. The option is to take a train for about 19 hours up to Bangkok for about 10 dollars U.S., or take a 90 minute plane ride for about 35 dollars U.S. Most of the stinky, hippy backpackers that frequent the area probably opt to take the train in order to save money and to "keep it real". But Chad and myself are not hippy backpackers. We might stink, but we are very impatient. We have decided to stay in Bangkok for a good while longer since two of Chad's friends are here from Taiwan. I am slowly going broke, and am going to have to run to the nearest hospital straight from the plane, once back in Mississippi, to make some money.
I work with some nurse recruiters, whom are reading this, that will now be chomping at the bit to get me back to California. (Sitha)
I hope everyone is well.
Michael
PS. sorry about not sending anyone a postcard. I think they should make postcards for each place available on the internet, so I can just send you guys a link to see it. Buying the post card is no problem at all, they are sold everywhere. The tricky part is finding someplace that sells stamps, and then finding a place that has a mail box. PLUS, it also helps to have a person actually willing to look for these things.

S.E.Asia Travel Log 9

Hello again. We are back in Malaysia. We are up in the North Eastern Corner on an island called the Perehnthian Islands (that might not be the right spelling). It is great, but getting here was a challenge and I thought we would not make it. But, let me digress.
We left Singapore and went to the rain forest area known as Tamra Negara. It is a national park. We took all day getting there and then quite awhile walking in the blazing sun to find a room in a guest house. There were rooms, but we were holding out for Air conditioning. What kind of full blooded American from the proud and historic southern U.S. would not? We finally found one, but it was for four people with bunk beds. So, we talked down his price and took it. I mean, Chad is three people by himself. If you go back to the last email you can clearly see how fat he is by the picture. The only reason I look bigger is because I am actually closer to the camera. If any of you had paid attention in math during your formative high school years you would know these kinds of dilemmas. So don't always believe what you see. ANYWAY, I am getting on a rant. I did not sleep well last night, so my mind tends to wander.
We trekked into the rain forest area and did what is called the "Jungle canopy walk way". It is an elevated rope walk way that is about 100 yards up. It was about 700 yards long, but was from large tree to tree with little wooden platforms at each tree. It was quite rickety, wobbly, and I was worried for Chad's safety. He is not very graceful and he tends to fall down frequently. Plus, he was carrying all of our cash at the time, so if he fell I would have to climb all the way down and retrieve his wallet, and I am the epitomy of laziness, so that is really a daunting task. I have decided that I should carry the money from now on in case something like that should happen, sorry Chad. We left the jungle area of Malaysia and made our way up the Coast and took a ferry over to the Perehnthian Islands. The water was very rough with huge waves. Our boat was about five people over capacity (a twelve person boat with about 17 people on board) We were forced below deck in order to keep from being washed over board. I kept whistling the theme to gilligans island the entire ride. Many of our boat mates got extremely soaked because the windows on their side of the boat was leaking the entire trip. Chad and myself chose very wisely on the initial dash under the deck. Only my right foot got wet, but I am rather fond of that foot, so it was not a total success. We managed to make it to shore, only two hours later, it was supposed to be a thirty minute ride. Then the boat captain could not pull along side the dock. I was debating jumping over board and swimming to shore, but then some locals came along and pulled the boat to the dock by it's tow ropes. In the morning we noticed another boat of the same size that was wrecked on the shore. I think that was the boat drivers previous vessle. We made it and now we only have to take the same boat back in a few days. I am going to wear scuba gear on the entire ride just in case. Well, I have to go, Chad and myself are about to go Scuba Diving with some local dive group. I know it sounds horrible. I just wish I could be back there with you guys working.
Sarcasm is my middle name
Michael Sarcasm Williams

S.E.Asia Travel Log 8

Hello from Singapore. We finally made it to Singapore. It is an amazing city. It is the most westernized, you could drop it anywhere in America and it would fit right in, but with a lot more chinese food restaurants, and they will cane you if you do bad things. We spent the first day visiting the zoo area, it was great. I finally had a day without being able to notice how bad Chad smells. They also have a night time zoo, this is like a normal zoo only you walk around in near total darkness and try to spot the animals that are nocturnal, which apparently are the same ones from the day time, except they get up and pace around their respected confines. Chad and I had to fight the urge to strip down to our underwear and hide in the bushes and jump out at the other zoo patrons. The main draw back is that they would not understand why a large furry bear is hanging around with a pale hairless chimpanzee. So, we fought the urge to terrorize the locals, but it would have been so easy.
Last night we managed to find a local brewery! The beer was great and there was a huge crowd there to watch the New Zealand vs. Australia Rugby match. So we sided with the New Zealanders and had a lovely evening bashing the Aussies. The New Zealanders really enjoy Rugby. They were very into it and loved to yell, I think I want to move to New Zealand.
We have tentative plans to head back up into Malaysia tomorrow. We now have to start our long and lazy trek back up towards Bangkok. We only have 20 days left of our vacation, we are starting to feel the squeeze of real life trying to track us down and drag us back.
I have attached a photo of Me and Chad aboard the Junk, our boat we were on for four nights to scuba dive. I hope the photo is not to large for you to open. I don't have my apple computer, and I don't know how to adjust the image size with these damn Microsoft machines. You will notice my bad facial hair (no mustache), I had to cut it off to lessen the leaking of sea water into my face mask. If you can not open it, I will be sending out more photos once I get stateside and can get back to my much missed apple computer.
The minister of Apple propoganda
Michael

S.E.Asia Travel Log 7

Hello all. We are in Malaysia still, in Melaka. It is a small town on the Western Coast. There is ocean here, but we have not been anywhere near it. I think we are all oceaned out for the time being. We are heading to Singapore tomorrow and then we will spend an undetermined amount of time there. We spent a few days up in the high lands. It was good to be back n the mountains again, but you could really not see them very well. They are building lots of new buildings everywhere blocking up the scenery. It is also apparent that maybe only one group of guys are building all the buildings since they are all only about half built and they only seem to be working on one at a time. There is even a building that looks very similar to Jerry's Fish House in Mississippi. I don't know if they are branching out and opening a franchise in Malaysia, but I am suspicious. We did a hike up to see a water fall, it was not very impressive and we walked about a mile past it thinking there must be a bigger one somewhere further down. We were wrong, so we had to turn around and hike all the way back. I then did the sensible thing and went back to the guest house to rest while Chad decided to hike up the side of a mountain at about a 90 degree angle. I think he is crazy, but he thinks I am lazy so it all works out. Today we took a tour of an old Portuguese war ship. We thought it was just going to be an old ship that has been rebuilt, but we were very wrong. It turns out it is a lovely piece of Melaka/Malaysian propaganda. They basically told the story about how their booming and thriving civilization went from number one in the world to nothing thanks in equal parts to the Portuguese, Dutch and the British. So, if you see any peoples from these countries tell them thanks from Melakans, right after you kick them square in the testes.
I love Melaka
Michael
hi, it's chad--just wanted to say hi to those of you who know me and to let you know that i'm managing to survive the toxic fumes that mysteriously appear in our rooms and somehow always originate from killer's side. bye.
lies, all lies
michael

S.E.Asia Travel log 6

Hello again. We are now officially in Malaysia. It is a normal country compared to Thailand. We went out for dinner and then out on the town last night and not a single girl in the bars accosted us our wanted us to play any board games with them. I don't know if maybe Chad is becoming more unattractive in his old age, or maybe those girls in Thailand have an ulterior motive. We are in a little town called Georgetown, on the Western coast of Malaysia. It is on an Island, Panang. This area used to be an English settlement, hence the very English name. We are going to stay here for a few days and then head over to the more mountainous region. Finally a place where I can feel at home. I have never been much of beach lover. SO, I am officially hanging up my speedo for awhile and putting on my hiking boots. Not that I can't wear hiking boots with my speedos. Speedos are not just for the beach anymore, I feel that they can pretty much fit comfortably into any social situation.
We have decided to be more fiscally responsible the last few days and forgo the flights into new areas, and instead go to our backpacker roots and use the ground transportation. We took a "mini-bus" (which is in actuality more of a mini-van) for about 5 hours towards the Malaysian border, then hopped a train for roughly 5 hours into Malaysia. I am glad to be able to report that we did not die in a fiery car crash while in the mini-bus. It was touch and go for awhile and I was not sure if that statement was going to be made. Our driver was obviously not paid by the hour since he was determined to make the trip in record time. And since no in S.E. Asia drives well, I think long distance travel via the highway is an extreme sport in this region.
Well, I am going to have to go now. We are going to explore the city and see what trouble we can dig up.
Happy to be alive
Michael