Cats Are Not the Spawn of Satan

Liz purrs:

No one "be hatin' on the bitches". And I mean that literaly. Everyone likes dogs, or at least no one will admit that they do not like dogs for fear of appearing Godless and coldhearted. I like dogs. I like dogs that do not stink, do not shit on the floor, are not trying to hump your leg, and do not bark or growl except at predators. I am not a predator. I like dogs that want very little attention, play for their own amusement- not the amusement of their master- and that do not chase after tires, trying to attack them. In other words, I like dogs that are evolved enough to act like cats.

A few mornings ago I was leaving work around 6:30- night shift is a bugger- and I drove past what I thought was a roofing shingle in the middle of the parkway. Barely making an effort not to plow over the debris, I was very surprised that the shingles had 4 eyes and were, in fact, not home improvement items but instead two very small micro-kittens. I U-turned, chased the kittens (they did not put up much resistance) into a ditch and collected them. They were so amazingly tiny! I called Kim, got the recovery effort going, then went home and went to sleep.

The next night at work I told the story (spiced up to make a sale), told them about the cats already being taken to the vet and wormed and twice bathed, described their beauty in detail, and with 20 men in the room, no one had even the faintest interest in taking one of these cats. I can understand that. What I cannot understand is the HOSTITLITY toward cats. "Who would want a cat?" "WHY did you save them?" "You should have run over them." "I hate cats." It was AWFUL.

Why do people despise cats? What could a cat have ever done to you? You got scratched once? I'll bet your girlfriend has scratched you before! You got bit once? I'll bet you were pulling the cat's tail and deserved it! I don't comprehend this intense desire to elminate cats from the species pool. You never hear of a cat mauling the neighbor's child or killing a jogger. That's always dogs. Cats certainly aren't the more vicious of the two animals. I have had 4 cats in my life and never has one lifted it's leg and peed on me or my furniture. I cannot say the same for the dogs my family has had. So, what is the deal? How did cats get lumped in with snakes and spiders as the offical representatives of Satan on Earth?

I did end up finding a home for both kittens. A man in the class, under his breath, said, "My wife wants a cat." "SOLD!" I exclaimed. Before the end of the night he said he would take them both. I made him promise he was not going to use them as bait or torture them. He promised. These babies are less than 5 weeks old. Right now they are a little needy-they need some compassion and attention. But they will out grow that soon. Then they'll just "be". They will entertain, they will give you attention on a limited basis, they will chase after moths and shoelaces. Perfect! What more can someone want from a pet? Hell, that's exactly what I'm looking for in a boyfriend.

Reaching out across the pond

Thanks to Liz's trolling of this great blogger experience via the "next blog" button we have been exposed to a very clever blog by a gentleman residing in London. This is no easy task thanks to the millions of blogs written by high school kids residing in Japan and Singapore. Often the "next blog" button continously leads to a page filled with Hello Kitty graphics or, worse yet, it is some amateur political writer striking out to be the next Rush Limbaugh, prescription drug addiction and all.
Mick's Weird World is the blog and can be found at mickc.blogspot.com. I have also included a link on the right side of the page for those of you who are less than computer savy. It is pretty funny stuff, and as an added bonus it is written in proper English, complete with use of words like stand pipe and petrol station. It will be entertaining, as well as, educational.

From the Road: Bonnaroo

Egotistically expressed by Killer


Hello faithful blogees, I am back from Bonnaroo. You might be wondering, "What the hell is a Bonnaroo?" It is a three day music and arts festival held annually in Manchester, Tn. It usually averages about 90,000 attendees. A large portion of which are drugged out, ex-dead head, dread lock wearing hippies, but in today's modern world they go by a new term, "Wookie", or "Wook". Personally I am offended by this term, not because I am concerned with their feelings, but rather, I am a fan of Chewbacca and I don't want his image disrespected in such a manner. I have no pics of Wookies, because I did not think of it at the time. Not everyone is perfect, get off my back!


I attended the afore mentioned concert with two fellow music lovers, who were also probably too old and/or straight laced to attend. The top is Disco Stu and the bottom is Gatewood. (By calling one a "top" and one a "bottom" I hope you don't get the wrong idea) We share a pension for college/indie/alternative rock that brought us to this years line up. It included: Radiohead, Ben Folds, Beck, Elvis Costello, Death Cab for Cutie, Brighteyes, The Magic Numbers, Nicklecreek, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Blues Traveller, My Morning Jacket, Robert Randolph and the Family Band, Matisyahu, and many, many more. If you have not heard of many, or any of these bands, you are not truly a musical elitist such as myself, and should probably continue to listen to whatever pop radio is telling you is cool. My choice in music does not make me better than you, but it's close.

We, along with the other 90,000 other festival goers camped out for the event. This is our set up. We had to trek over a mile from our vehicle to set up camp. We brought 5 coolers, 150 bottles of water, 140 cans of beer, 48 cans of soda, 12 bottles of gatorade, 15 bags of ice, 2 bags of chips, 1 bag of beef jerky, 2 tents, 6 folding chairs, the canopy, and about 20 pounds of moist wipes and hand sanitizer. This made for three grueling, sweaty trips to and from the vehicle. Most people probably did not bring this many supplies, but we are extremely prepared. The 20 pounds of moist wipes and hand sanitizer are directly linked to one festival goers intense germ phobia. After three days of camping and rocking out in 98 degree weather, a quick smell check would rule me out as the germ-a-phobe. On a side note, that large, bulbous shadow in the bottom right of the picture is me, so a hot six mile trek is needed.

One of the first notable acts we checked out was Ben Folds. He is the piano player above. Extremely talented and a great showman. We did not realize we could sneak our folding chairs in to the show this, the first, day so we stood around in the blazing sun for a long time waiting for the show to start. It definitely detracted from the enjoyment. We would not make this mistake again.

The second act of the first day we caught was Nicklecreek. If you have never heard of these guys, don't feel bad, most people have not. They are a bluegrass/indie rock band from Southern California. They were, in my not-so-humble, opinion the best show of the weekend. They kicked ass. I now think every band needs a mandolin player and a violin. They did an incredible cover of Britney Spear's "Toxic". We would finish the first day chilling at the tent drinking beer, and resting for the midnight show which was My Morning Jacket. I have no pictures from these guys because I did not remember to bring my camera to the show.
We would begin the second day with The Magic Numbers, an incredible new English band that seemed very amazed by the size of the crowd that showed up to see them play. This day was already off to a better start because we had chairs and could sit down and still see the band for most of the show. About midway through a jackass from Toronto (atleast he was wearing a Toronto Bluejay hat, and I don't think anyone outside Toronto would) decided to stand right in front of me and block my view. Yet another reason to dislike the Canadians. We would leave this show and catch a few songs by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. After that I spent a long time in the Micro Brewery tent they had on site. After a few hours of drinking good beer and making fun of the wookies lounging around in the shade we ventured out to see Beck and stake out a good spot to wait for the headliner.

The headliner performance was provided by Radiohead. I think just about all 90,000 people showed up for this show. If you notice, from our spot you can barely make out Thom Yorke, but atleast they had the jumbo screens to show him. We were so far back because we decided to stay seated for the majority of this show, so for a large portion of the show all I saw was the assess of the people in front of me and a very zealous wookie selling drugs to the mish mash of people in attendance. It was a touching moment as he made no discrimination in his entrepreneurial endeavors. He sold to frat boys, soccer moms, rednecks, and his fellow wookies alike. Everytime someone would walk by he would say, "nugs, I got nugs", or "doses, I got doses." Nugs, I believe, is pot, and doses is acid. At one point he approached us to ask if we had a "glass one" he could use. I assumed he was asking for a pipe of some sort and honestly felt bad to not be able to accommodate him. I thought we had planned pretty well, but I guess we did not think of all occasions. Next time I will be more prepared. We also shared in a new first for all three of us. We got to witness a fairly unassuming group of people in front of us get down on all fours, one by one, and snort cocaine off of someone's drivers license they had placed on the ground. Then they spent the next hour or so dancing around in front of us maniacally and waving glow sticks, which was also a point of contention among us that pointed out our lack of preparation, since we were the only people to not have brought glow sticks.
We left the next morning after convincing a drugged up couple to let us unstake their tent and move it aside, since they had set up camp behind our vehicle. There was actually many bands performing on Sunday, but after weighing our desire to see them perform against our urge to not spend another night of trying to sleep while drunk and/or drugged up frat boys or rednecks shot off fireworks, then being awakened at 5 am by a group of drunk and/or drugged up wookies, or maybe soccer moms having a "drum circle". It is getting harder and harder for an ever aging, musical elitist, beer geek to have a good time getting drunk, making fun of everyone else, and getting 8 solid hours of sleep. But, I guess if everyone was just like me I probably would not love me so much.

Your Socks Smell like Pork Loin

A gift from Liz:

Being the ideal daughter that I am, this afternoon I went to my folks' house for Father's Day. I grilled a batch of burgers, trying to perfect the recipe I will enter in this summer's Burger Grill Off contest. I'm getting close to Bovine perfection with these meaty morsels and hope to be blogging from Italy in September- where the top five contestants are flown.

While the grill was hot, I went ahead and threw a pork tenderloin on the grate so that I could get a couple of lunches out of it. When I left my parents' house I put the tenderloin and all the vegetables I could take from their garden into the same gift bag that I had brought Dad's shirts and jeans (Father's Day gifts) in. Now that bag reeks of meat. I mean it smells, although delicious, very much like a gift bag ought not to smell. I want to preserve the odor so that I can place my next gift to someone in this same bag. A gift that has nothing to do with meat. This has prompted me to try to think of as many things as I can that ought not to smell like a pork tenderloin. I have concluded that nothing should smell like pork tenderloin except pork, so any gift I place in the bag will do nicely. I am leaning, however, toward a set of sheets.

They say that smell is the sense most directly linked to memory. The smell of green Now and Laters make me think of my 7th grade year where I, industriously, sold candy out of my backpack at an outrageous mark up. My whole book bag smelled like pencil shavings and candy... and dimes, but I think I've imagined what dimes smell like.

I like smell, well some smells, and I love stumbling across a smell that takes me back to my grandmother's house or, just as good, to a trip in the woods. I like the smell of burning logs too, because that makes me think of Christmas- which makes me think of presents- which, from this day forward, will make me think of pork tenderloin.

THEN and NOW

Liz compares:

I was recently told by a work friend that, although an attractive woman, I am no supermodel. Where did that statement come from? I would venture to guess directly out of his hairy ass, but that would be presumptuous. I felt violated by the statement; I wasn't asking for his assessment, he just laid it out there, unprovoked. I found it strange and meaningless but it's stuck with me for 8 nights now. I've broken it down to mean these things:

• You're not hideous, but don't go without makeup
  If you'd lose 30 pounds, I might be interested
  You're pretty enough... for someone who's not really into looks
  You'll find a good mate, but don't be surprised when he dumps you for a hot chic
  Your genes should die with you when you go

He was telling me about his request to his wife for a divorce. As he spoke on this intensely personal subject, I heard one theme: I loved her as a girlfriend, hate her as a spouse. This got me thinking: is what makes a good girlfriend the same qualities you seek in a wife? Let's break THIS down:

• GOOD GIRLFRIEND: Flirty and fun, all your guy friends love her
• GOOD WIFE: Hardly speaks to your friends, stays home, doesn't flirt at all
• GOOD GIRLFRIEND: Wears sexy clothes and shows off her body
• GOOD WIFE: Owns granny panties; multiple turtlenecks
• GOOD GIRLFRIEND: Can out drink half the guys you know
• GOOD WIFE: Takes sips from your beer when she brings you a fresh one
• GOOD GIRLFRIEND: Plans fun weekends for the two of you
• GOOD WIFE: Doesn't want to go anywhere
• GOOD GIRLFRIEND: Loves any present you give her- almost a guarantee you'll get laid
• GOOD WIFE: Quit expecting presents years ago
• GOOD GIRLFRIEND: Too busy being with you to keep the house clean
• GOOD WIFE: Scrubs your pee off the toilet seat without complaining

I don't get it. One day I'll make a list of what makes a good boyfriend. I still have no idea what makes a good husband... but I know that telling you that you're no supermodel won't make the list.

Goal Oriented

Goaded by Killer

I believe it is important to set goals in one's life. Otherwise you might just aimlessly wander through time with no real direction or purpose. Some goals I have accomplished, some I have not. I plan to make them come to fruition, but things don't always go as we plan. Included in the successful ones are traveling to all fifty states, visiting Europe and SouthEast Asia, I made it through nursing school, and completed a brewers apprentice program. My car is paid for, and I have no credit card debt. See, set goals and make those goals. My future goals involve, visiting every country in the world, starting my own brewing company, and quitting nursing.
Sometimes we have non-goals, these are things that we hope with all our being that they will not happen and even go to great lengths to avoid them. I have a few of these that I have successfully avoided and some that I have not been able to stop. I really don't want to live a boring life with no hope of travel and excitement, so I have remained single and have no kids. I don't want to have any limbs lost to wild animals, so I don't work as a lion tamer or wrestle bears. I have an aversion to being gang raped in a prison bathroom, so I do my best to follow the laws set forth by our society. The non-goals that I did not manage to avoid are a combination of unavoidable circumstances and just plain poor foresight on my own part. I had a goal to never live in the South again, but for the last nine months I have lived in Memphis, TN. Unfortunately my family and friends all live in this region. As much as I would like to, I can't seem to shake them. I don't accept fault on this one, but others I accept it more willingly. I had a group of non goals from way back that included, but weren't limited to, not playing with other people's bodily waste, not placing items, including my fingers, inside another person's rectum, and not having a job that makes me want to hit people in the head with a ball-peen hammer. I will take partial blame for the failure of avoiding these non-goals. I did voluntarily sign up to be a nurse, but the nursing programs should have a disclaimer making it known that these horrific tasks are unavoidable if this program is completed.
So don't be afraid to shoot for the stars. I have a goal to be President of the World. I know this probably will not happen, but just in case it does, I want to be able to say, "I always knew I could do it." With my luck, being President of the World will have a duty that includes giving a suppository to the Vice President every day, or slightly worse yet, I might have to wrestle a bear.

They Like Me, They Really Like Me!

Liz's:

If you recognize the title of this rant as a throw-back to an academy awards speech given by Sally Field, then you are old.

I find myself doing some "middle aged" things lately and, although some might argue that it's about damn time, I have very mixed emotions about this transition. I find that I am having frequent struggles within myself. It's high school Liz trying to talk some sense into middle aged Liz. I think these conversations might make an interesting short story or book.

When I was in high school, I was grunge before the whole Seattle thing happened. I was queen of flannel and holey tennis shoes. I wore an army jacket, went all winter without shaving my legs, and I didn't stress if I needed sleep in lue of makeup. Don't confuse this with being dirty or being a hood (another reference you don't get if you're under 25). I was on student council and Ms. Senior Class and blah, blah, blah... I just didn't care one lick about what the rest of the world thought about the way I looked. I was happy to be a little off center. I did what I wanted and others were welcomed to come along for the ride if it sounded like fun. I mocked conventionality. I loathed conformity. Now... I have almost completely converted to the conventional conformist I hated and it's driving high school Liz crazy!

I no longer feel free to wear a bleached out t-shirt and Hawaiian print shorts to the bar for drinks. It's clicky sandals and froo-froo hair. Decked out in something that sparkles, carrying a purse instead of a backpack, planning a trip in June to Amish country... what the fuck? This isn't even familiar to the core I had 17. Hell, I've almost become exactly what my parents wanted. What's wrong with me?

I miss some of the old me. I used to be really compassionate and care. About a lot of things, I cared. Social issues, freedom for the masses, animal testing, sweat shops, the environment. Now I'm more worried about how much I'm paying in taxes and if my eyeliner and shadow clash. I'm interested in fewer people now too. If I don't particularly care for you, I don't want to be bothered with the pettiness of your sad life. That's awful, but it's true. You're annoying? Then go away. I don't necessarily want you dead, or at least not to have to suffer a painful death, but I sincerely want you out of my space. Unless I like you, I don't want to know about your problems. I don't want to help with your problems. Put on your big girl panties and suck it up. What happened to smiling on your brother and everybody getting together and trying to love one another?

Dude, it got replaced by a one-day-only sale at Belk's.

I refuse to believe that this is "maturity". You can be a free spirit and be mature. You can hold a job and be an individualist. You can contribute to a 401k and not have to sell your soul. So what switched in me? Some how my formula got off balance and I've morphed into a middle-aged, respectable woman who might even vote for a Republican in the near future! I worry about whether or not my supervisors like me. I know the folks I'm training like me, I know most of my co-workers like me, I know my neighbors like me, I couldn't have better friends... high school Liz would say, "That's more than enough, if the some dude sitting behind a desk doesn't see you as an asset, that's HIS loss. Let's go out and party!" middle-aged Liz says, "You need to face facts and start sucking up to the people that matter. You never know when they're going to have to downsize or when you might need a reference!" See? That's just WRONG but the thoughts are there. I used to pose questions like, "Did Adam have a belly button?" Now I ponder issues like, "How many years do I have left before bladder control or cataracts become an issue?"

I'm being drawn to the dark side. I think I need a weekend that involves a kegger and a sunrise, some time cruising just for the Hell of it, and some sort of event that involves waterballoons. It's time to get back to the things that really do make you interesting.

If you're in jeporady of becoming a stiff suit too, join me in my new cause! We can do a middle aged revolution together. It might not be as pretty of an assembly as it would have been 20 years ago, but it's not too late! I'll even wear something stone washed.

Balls of Meat Make Me Nervous

From the title you'd think it was Killer writing:

Well I've done it now. I've been talking up my homemade meatball subs for over a year to some friends and now the day has come for me to put my meat where their mouths are. (I'm already sorry for electing to put that sentence in writing.) You see, I do a pretty mean homemade meatball sub sandwich. I mean, it's always turned out really, really good... at least to me and to Kim, who happens to have the same tastes in her meatball subs as I do. But now I'm freaking out because in just a few hours I've got to concoct these "famous" meatball subs for a large crew of people- some of whom I work with and will surely have to see in the immediate future. I feel like I'm in the Pilsbury Bake-Off; my hands are sweaty, my stomach is churning, I'm worried about if the judges are going to like my presentation- it's too much pressure!!!

Here's the root of what is bothering me. Some of the guys coming over still eat like 8 year olds. They don't "do" vegetables. The KEY to my meatballs is the glorious ground onion and mushrooms that I lovingly fold into the ground chuck. The bell peppers add the color and flavor that make you want to slap your momma. The freshly minced garlic penetrates the sauces and takes you to a culinary happy place. I can't leave these things out and be true to my balls but if I add them I will surely not "meat" their expectations. This is like Sophie's Choice!

The one consolation is that they will be drinking. And, since tomorrow is an off day from work, I imagine they will be drinking a lot. Maybe the guys won't notice the chunks of veggies floating around in the sauce. Maybe the cheese I add to the meatballs, the sauce, and bake onto the bread will be enough to disguise the tastes from the garden. At least one of them hates mayonnaise (I know... what a freak!) which is another of my signature sub items... maybe I can actually alter the process and let him have a mayo-free sandwich.

Remember the Seinfeld where Kramer convinced Frank to cook again after his rancid meat fiasco in WWII? THIS is the pressure I'm feeling!

I've learned a lesson here that I hope you will benefit from. It's not the subs- they will be as they always are- it's the BRAGGING. I've actually read off "rules" to people before they've put the first bite in their mouths because I know the sandwiches are pretty darn good and I want to play it up. Rules like, "You will think you love me after you eat this sandwich. It is not me you love, it is the sub." "You will contemplate leaving your wife after tasting this sub. Do not. I do not want you." and "You will want a replay of this meal. Do not ask or you will be banned from the sub forever." I've done it in jest, but it's become like "a thing" and now I'm expected to satisfy this range of eaters? What if they say, "They were ok, but they can't touch what Subway does."? Can my ego survive this test?!

Sitting here typing away isn't getting the job done. These delicacies take about and hour and a half to put together and I like for them to simmer a minimum of 3 hours before serving, so I'd better get in the shower.

Looks like I'll be doing the Kroger strut today.

Rock stars come in all shapes and sizes.

Proudly proclaimed by Killer

I have never really understood why my camera has a phone, until now. This past Monday I was finally making use of one of my few days off work. I went to see the Strokes in concert. They were good, but not great. You could not really understand what the lead singer was saying, even when he was just talking between songs. I don't even know for sure if he was speaking English. It was loud, but incomprehensible.
The opening band was a interesting ensemble from Denver, I think. Their name is Apples in Stereo. They were okay, but every song sounded like another, more popular, song. We spent a good bit of their act commenting on who the lead singer looked like. The final decision was made that he looks like the gay guy from Sex in the City. Once they finished, however things got more exciting because the lead singer decided to blend into the crowd and watch the Strokes play. He walked by us right after his set. Gatewood, who was one of my concert companions, shook his hand and then yelled, "I am never washing this hand again!" He was more than a little drunk and rambunctious.
Shortly after the Strokes began playing Joey, my other musical compatriot, Got my attention and pointed out that the lead singer from Apples in Stereo had chosen us to stand beside us in order to enjoy the show. I guess he was impressed with Gatewood's apparent excitement to meet him.
I whipped out my phone and snapped off a shot of Joey, first trying to draw my attention to our new viewing partner, and then one of him celebrating the new arrival.

In case you are thinking, "hey, where is the rock star?" He is the one drinking the beer over Joey's right shoulder. His name is Robert Schneider. To be fair to Apples in Stereo, they actually were surprisingly good for an opening band. You can check out their website: applesinstereo.com and hear some of their music. It is an interesting website and also and interesting song that plays when it loads.

When they become famous Joey will be able to pull this picture out and show his grandkids. Gatewood, however who can not go more than fifteen minutes without washing his hands, has probably already ruined his only memento of this magical moment.

Yellow Mucus Eye

Liz writes:

I think going into the television or advertising business would have been a good match for me. I've always enjoyed writing and I'm fairly good at coming up with little jingles or catchy phrases. My new term is "strut". You may use it. As in, "I'm about to do the Wal-Mart strut," meaning that you're going to Wal-Mart. Or, if you're in a heated conversation you can simply say, "Strut!" as you pop your head and walk away. It's a multi-faceted word. I got the idea from a friend of mine who attended the "Chitterling Strut" in South Carolina. SERIOUSLY. I figure if you can strut a chitterling, you can strut anything.

So, being one who enjoys the complexities of my native tongue, I have found myself increasingly disturbed by the titles of some of the shows that appear on Discover Health Channel. It started out innocently enough with titles like "Born With Two Heads" "Face Transplant" and "400 lbs. Tumor". But last week I saw on my channel guide "Baby No Skin." OH MY GOD. BABY NO SKIN? Why? What happened to this baby's skin? I'm simultaniously saddened (deeply) by the name of the show and disgusted beyond belief. I don't want to know that babies can have no skin. At the same time, I think this "nick name" is cruel and not appropriate. Can you imagine the parents? They're grieving while waiting on a skin donor for their kid and some Hollywood producer calls and pitches the idea for a Discovery Health segment. "It will be great! We'll spread the word about Jonathan and his unique condition!" And the parents get all excited and agree and they tell everybody to watch the show and when friends ask, "What's the name of it, so we don't miss it?" The parents have to answer "Baby No Skin." This hurts my feelings.

This, for some odd reason, reminds me of a friend of mine (I'll use fake names to protect the child) whose 5 year old (OK, it's Kim's daughter) once took a gigantic crap. It can be surprising how much poop a child can hold. Darryl and I were talking about this at work one day and he was sharing stories of his kid's occasional extraordinarily large turds when they were little. Anyway, Kim's husband is in the bathroom with their daughter and he yells, "KIM! COME IN HERE QUICK!" She thinks something is wrong by the urgency in his voice. When she gets into the bathroom, he is pointing to this giant shit coiled up in the toilet and he says, "Look what your daughter did!" So Kim, being the most excellent mother she is, is talking with her 5-year old (trying not to make a big deal out of it or laugh) and making sure the child is all wiped up and ready for the bathtub and when Kim turns around, her husband is standing behind her with a camera! He was going to photograph this shit!!! To share with friends!!!!

I think that's hilarious.

Can I impress women in bars with my 401K?

Offensively Orated By Killer

There comes a time in every young man's life when he must except the fact that he has finally made the jump from frisky young lad to dirty old man. I don't believe there is anytime to actually enjoy just being a regular guy. It apparently just goes straight from one to the next. Sitting in a bar enjoying the lovely ladies walk by is expected of a young virile man. People might think you are a homosexual if you don't check out the ass of a good looking gal as she strolls by. Suddenly, one day, you look up from a lingering view and the bartender is giving you a look of disgust. Is it the graying, receding hairline? Is it the elastic waist banded pants pulled up around my arm pits? Maybe it is the dentures I have soaking in my beer glass. (beer just tastes better when it savored by your stinky gum holes.) Somewhere, somehow, I have passed my sexual expiration date, and I think I might be starting to smell funny.
Part of the problem could be the locations that I choose to belly up to the bar. I think the older people usually drink in seedy hotel bars, often located near an airport. But I enjoy drinking around the young folk. I need to feel the energy provided by a group of newly legal drinkers trying desperately to do as many shots as possible. It is nostalgic, and when one inevitably passes out in the bathroom you can defray the cost of your own bar tab by taking all the cash out of his pockets.
The socially acceptable age of my love interests is constantly on the rise. I can actually remember when I would not think of dating a 28 year old, because I did not want to date someone who's biological clock was rapidly approaching zero like a bomb about to explode. Now a 28 year old is bordering on being too young, a 24 year old would be a trophy wife, and an eighteen year old could, theoretically, be my own child. If only I had been cool enough to have sex at fifteen.
I guess it is official that I am a dirty old man. It is probably too late to change it, and I am not sure if I really want to anyway. Even if I did manage to find the only single, non-divorced, woman my own age who did not have kids, and she was willing to put up with me long enough to establish a respectable relationship, I would just show my true colors in the end when I asked her to wear a catholic school girl costume to bed.

If I were wealthy I could write more blogs.

Richly Written by Killer

My motivation to become independently wealthy is at an all time high. My ability to become independently wealthy appears to not be keeping up with my motivation. This is very unfortunate.
I need to devise new methods of obtaining wealth, but it needs to be quick. I don't know how much longer I can continue the rat race. My legs are getting tired and there seems to be no cheese in sight.
Plans for obtaining independent wealth:

1. Sell body parts on the black market.
I am fortunate enough to work around
a lot of injured people. I could probably score the occasional kidney, lung, or
brain. People are losing things around here all the time. I could just claim
ingnorance to the loss. Better yet, I could just say they did not have it when
they came in.
2. Become corrupt politician
I love to talk, and I love to
debate politics. I just have to convince one of the many big political
organizations, ie., Oil Companies, Pharmaceutical Companies, Labor Unions, etc.,
that for the right price I will do whatever they want to whoever they want. Once
elected, I get to fly around the world, live in a posh Washington D.C.
apartment, and date lots of young interns. All paid for by you, the tax payer.
3. Become a Gigolo.
Get paid to do sexual favors for rich women. I have
been hanging out in high dollar martini bars trying to set this plan into
action. Believe it or not, this is actually harder than it sounds. Most rich
women have personal trainers, so they can hit really hard.
4. Travel the South as a faith healer
Poor, uneducated people are gullible. Add an illness
or injury and they get even more desperate. Just put up a tent, throw together a
good choir, and start speaking in tongues and smacking sick folk in the head. By
the time their adrenaline wears off and they realize they are still sick you can
have the tent down, loaded and be fifty miles away. Just make sure the donations
are collected up front.

The good thing about all these ideas is they can be carried out simultaneously to maximize my wealth potential. I will keep you informed of my progress. If it goes really well, my personal assistant will actually keep you informed of my progress.

The Book of Wookie

Reverently Rendered by Killer

Chewbacca is my hero. If you don't know who Chewbacca is then go straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. I try to live my life in a manner Chewie would approve of. When everyone around him was talking smack and fighting to be the boss, Chewie just sat back and let events take their course. He does not need other people to lord over in order to feel powerful. He had the confidence to know that he could crush everyone in the Millineum Falcon with one giant hairy fist. That was enough for him, and I can appreciate it. In my job I work with a lot of females. Now, I don't want to get you ladies out there in a feminine hormone induced frenzy, but you are difficult to work with, especially in large numbers. Women love to make every issue dramatic and over complicated. It is at these times that I look at my What Would Chewbacca Do bracelet, let out a soft, unintelligible moan and don't say a word. I just think to myself, "Oh yeah, I could squish you like a bug, but I won't."
Chewie is also my hero because he represents large hairy creatures every where, and he does it with pride. You won't see Chewie embarrassed to take his shirt off at the beach. Hell, he never even wears clothes, that is how comfortable he is with his luxurious body hair. I only wish I had the courage to walk around with nothing on but a bandoleer strapped across my chest. Feeling the breeze ripple through my back hair on a cool summer day would definitely be a liberating sensation.
Perhaps what I envy most about Chewbacca was everyone respected his decision to be a bachelor. You never saw Princess Leia or Han Solo trying to fix him up with other single mammals. They never commented on his age and the fact that he was still unattached. I guess they appreciated his desire to keep his options open. Sure he might hit on a hot chick dancing at Jabba's compound, but next week he might meet a sexy Ewok that sweeps him off his feet. A guy needs to be available whenever love comes a callin'.
I am going to set out to put together a collection of inspirational stories and quotes from my main man, Chewbacca. I will then start a small worship service out of a strip mall somewhere near the airport. We will gradually increase in number until we raise enough money to build a temple in the shape of the Millenium Falcon. We will meet a couple of days a week and roar like a collection of happy Wookies. It will be beautiful. It will be inspiring. It will be a guaranteed income boost to myself. L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, once said, "The only real way to become famous is to start your own religion." It is apparent from Scientology and many other religions that they don't have to make sense in the beginning. You just have to stick to your guns until every one else believes you.
All hail Chewbacca, or I will squish you with my big hairy arms.

Forget Nurses, How About Organizational Development Specialists?

Liz agrees to disagree with K-Man:

So! Killer has his comfortable stretch panties in a wad because I forgot to send him a present for nurses' week? He thinks HE has it bad because his comatose patients didn't take up a flower collection or the paraplegics didn't sign a card for him with the pen someone placed between their teeth? He's mortified that no one said "thanks" after he changed the channel on their TV to the show that HE wanted to watch? I can't have pity. I DESERVE all the pity!

Where is MY thank you for all the PowerPoint presentations I've had to labor over? How come I'm not celebrated because I give my participants a break "EVERY HOUR" so that they can go and get their nicotine fix? Just one accolade for having the manuals neatly placed on the table upon their arrival might be enough to lift my spirits, but do I get that? NO. I DO NOT. Do you know how tired your ass can get from sitting down all day? I've probably got CLOTS in my legs. And do you realize how dangerous it is to surf the internet at my company? ONE person sees me on YouTube and I could get a verbal reprimand!

Killer, there is no week set aside for recognition of Organizational Development Specialists. We're the ones that have to give out the crappy nylon tote bags- we don't GET them. We provide snacks, they do not get provided. Granted, I don't have to work in an environment that smells like urine, but the spray used to clean the Dry Erase boards is LOADED with stinky chemicals.

I, for one, think that YOU should consider yourself LUCKY.

You Ungrateful Bastards

Peevishly Penned by Killer

Nurses week just ended and I received neither cards nor gifts from any of you. What is the point in having an entire week dedicated to my profession if it does not culminate in a celebration in my honor? When I worked in California we would receive useless trinkets and snacks from the hospital administration. I have many ugly hand bags, pen lights, scissors and even calculators from various hospitals. I have received nothing from this hospital in Memphis.
I realize many of you are probably thinking to yourselves, "Killer, there is no week long holiday celebrating my profession. So I don't feel to sorry for you." Well, screw you! Certain professions are so obviously under appreciated by society that they give a special week to blow smoke up their ass and pretend they are special. Teachers get a week, Secretaries only get a day, Black people get an entire month. Now, I realize being African American is not really a profession, but they do get an entire month, the shortest month, but it is still a month. I bet if you ask many African Americans they will tell you it does not feel too sincere. I doubt anyone is giving them an ugly tote bag that says, "Good Job, Black History Month 2006".
In an attempt to allow many of you to feel better about yourself I am going to officially extend Nurses week for another few days. Feel free to send all your cards, gifts or cash prizes to me. I will disperse it to the other nurses as I feel appropriate.

Just Raging Against the Machine

Liz simmers:

I'm in a pissy mood. I feel like work is targeting my dress code compliance and it's annoying. But I shouldn't be upset- this weekend I won $200 playing cards. Not bad! I went the very next day and spent every cent of my winnings on work clothes so that I could best adhere to the policy. I bought 4 shirts that are the exact same style and 4 pairs of kakhis. Today I was again called on the carpet because I was wearing tennis shoes. As I walked through the administration portion of my place of employment, I noticed all sorts of people out of "spec". Talk about pissed! It's just so ridiculous!

I probably shouldn't have told my boss's boss's boss that he was welcomed to come over to my house and help dress me since I was obviously too stupid to dress myself- but I did. Without smiling. And, if that's not enough, I invited my boss's boss to do the same.

I love my job. I love where I work, who I work with, and what I do; but DAMN! They will let you wear capri pants (dressy only) but you have to wear shoes with socks. You can't wear any shirt without a collar, so sweaters are out as are company issued T-Shirts and fleece pull overs. No sandals- unless you're wearing socks with them- which I'm not doing. God, I still have my dignity to consider! Sleeves must be at least 4 inches long and no brand on any clothing unless it's the company brand. The goal? They say that they want us to dress more professionally. That's hard to do in lesbian shoes.

I'm thinking about having a yard sale. Any size nine feet out there interested?

I thought typing this out would make me feel better. It hasn't. I guess I'll be deleting this soon too. I'm sure there is some sort of BLOG policy out there. And don't think they're not watching!

Strange

Liz's mane focus:

Those of you fortunate enough to have experienced the blog I once commissioned know that I have a drug-addicted, serial screwing, hepatitis-having, no longer licensed hair dresser. It seems like enough to make you go out and look for someone else to cut and color your hair, doesn't it? But, and women may understand this better than men, having someone that UNDERSTANDS your hair, communicates to it, has its best interest in her heart- that hairdresser is necessity. Like a musician cherishes his old beat up guitar, a woman with ample locks forms a bond with a good hair dresser that has a spiritual meaning. This relationship is the focus of this blog posting.

Since my hairdresser no longer has a place of employment, I had to go to a friend of her's home and have my hair done this week. Ummm... scary. I haven't been in a house like this since I was in college. Nothing matches, everything is a hand me down from a dead relative or the salvation army store. There are two cats living in the house and they don't look very healthy. Even though there were no drugs laying out on the table, I have a 6th sense for knowing where there is dope. Trust me on this: in this house there was stuff. I'm not able to sense exactly what drugs are stored in the wooden box on the coffee table, taped behind the toilet tank, laying in the sock drawer, or stored in a ziplock in the freezer, but I know that there are some highly potent and illegal substances in this house.

I'm also convinced that all of these substances had been consumed exactly 32 seconds prior to me walking in the door to get my hair done.

The "roommate" of my hairdresser is, by the hairdresser's standards, a loose woman with a revolving bedroom door. On this evening a trucker was at their house to get him some. He comes by whenever he's in town and hangs with the roommate until it's time to haul his load to the next town. There is tequila on the table when I walk in. By the time I leave, the bottle is empty.

Getting my hair done took almost 3 hours. Some of that time I was forced, against my will, to watch TV with my hairdresser. I was also informed of the relationship the roommate keeps with a local police officer. In exchange for keeping an eye on the house and not organizing a raid, he gets to come in periodically and watch the roommate while she... ummm... pretends he's not there and entertains herself. I kept watching my purse.

The roommate and trucker went out and got groceries for cooking dinner. While I sat at the kitchen table with foil all over my head, they drank and cooked and grinded on each other, locking lips and smacking ass while I tried to stare at the closed blinds that lead to the backyard. That lead to freedom. I was there to get my hair colored back to brown from the blonde that has creeped in after years of highlights and has turned almost platinum in places. I walked in as a blonde, left as a dark-haired brunette. The trucker said, "Your boyfriend is gonna want some tonight. He'll feel like he's getting some strange." It made me feel unclean.

When it was time to rinse, I stood bent over the kitchen sink. There was an unwashed bowl of chili next to me. It made me feel unclean too.

So what do I do? She's GREAT at doing hair. I'm entertained by her trashiness. But, I don't want to be there when they're busted, when another lover comes in with a gun, or when the GodSmack starts playing and the needles come out! Do I break the bond and find a lesser hairdresser- how important is comfort? What do I lose by staying inside the lines and not putting myself in mildly dangerous situations. MILDLY dangerous. They're not going to rape me or anything. They're just trashy and low class. Is that so bad, really?

I will say this. When I had to use the bathroom, I lined the seat with toilet paper before I sat down. I'm not sure if that will prevent the crabs or not, but it gave me some mental comfort none the less.

Stop, Drop and Roll

Written on the Run by Killer

I am at work and the fire alarm is going off. I am not sure where the fire is supposed to be because when they announced it over the intercom I was not paying attention. It could be anywhere. I have serious doubts in my patients ability to make a swift get away in case of impending doom, and this puts some serious moral and ethical dilemmas in my path. If a fire breaks out on my unit do I stay with my patients and face possible incineration, or do I cut and run like a little girl, screaming and waving my arms frantically over my head?
There are consequences to both options. If I run away shrieking and knock over everyone on my way to safety, I could possibly lose my job. But I am in a sellers market and could quickly find a new one, probably across the street at the VA. The VA does not concern itself so much with customer satisfaction or customer safety, they just need a warm body. I could run screaming from our front door, continue across the street (stopping to look both ways for frantic fire trucks) and go straight to the human resources of the VA hospital. I could probably have the entire application filled out by the time the fire men determine it was a false alarm.
If I decide to stick by my patients side during this dire time the outcome still appears bleak.
For starters my patients are all on high flow oxygen. That creates a really flammable environment. There is also a distinct possibility that I might be the only person who does not abandon ship. In that situation I could get ostracized by my fellow staff members for trying to be a hero and making them look bad. I am a very social person and don't want everyone to hate me. We all know, everyone hates a brown noser. Even if the brown noser ends up with 3rd degree burns over 60% of his body.
I really am in a pickle. I hope they find the fire while it is small enough and put it out before it spreads to my area. I feel the only option at this point is to wait and watch what everyone else does. I really don't know which outcome is worse. Suffering the excruciating pain of 3rd degree burns, followed by multiple infections and difficult rehab, or working for the VA.

Ass Flowers

Artistically posted by Killer

I spent this past weekend in Oxford, MS., at the Double Decker Art Festival. It was a grand old time. My best friend is an artist and has a booth there on occasion, so I come to town to help pimp his work. The problem with art festivals is that you only get a few actual art buyers, but a whole lot of art lookers. It is the art work that brings in the people, but it is the crappy crafts that get purchased. By crappy crafts I mean when a person paints a flower on a small mirror and then glues some fuzz around the edges and sells it for five dollars, etc. The crappy craft folk end up making a lot of money by selling hundreds of trinkets to the local yokels. I don't really begrudge them this fact, it just irritates me because I can't bring myself to buy a bunch of crocs sandals ($35 a pair), paint some pretty flowers on them and then resell them ($45 a pair). This was another crappy craft item available.
Are people who paint pretty flowers on crocs or mirrors any less of artists than those painting pictures or making pottery? Maybe my view of art is skewed. I tend to appreciate art that I could not create myself. I could paint pretty flowers on random objects, I just don't have the drive to do so. Maybe my problem is not with crappy craft makers, but with myself, subconsciously. Perhaps I am angry at myself on some deeper level for not getting my ass in gear and painting more pretty flowers on objects. I could support myself by flowering found items and not have to support myself by wiping people's ass. I am going to start immediately.
Here are some items that I have decided to flower.

This first item is a CD. It cost me about 80 cents, and I could sell it for 10 dollars, huge profit potential.



This next item is a tortilla that was in my fridge. It was probably too old to actually eat, which makes it's cost even lower. Cost about 25 cents, and I could sell it for 10 dollars. Even bigger profit potential.


This last item is harder to figure out the market potential. It is my own ass. I was born with it, so it cost nothing. The only problem is I guess I could only sell it once. Maybe I can use it as a performance piece and have people pay just to look at it.


The art work is more rudimentary here because it is actually very hard to draw flowers on your own ass. I suggest trying it sometime. I will point out however, "permanent marker" does not wash off. I will keep you informed on how long it takes to wear off.
I hope to see you at the next art festival. Just look for my ass.

I Give It 2 Thumbs Down

Liz channel surfs, via the net:

While checking my Yahoo! News online, I looked at the TV listings to see all that I was missing. Amazingly, I saw that the following movie is coming on American Movie CLASSICS. What is the world coming to?

Killer, I miss your blog entries. Get off your lazy ass and entertain me.


K-9 (1989)
120 Mins. * (Rated PG-13)

A police detective with a girlfriend gets stuck with a new partner, a German shepherd dog.

Adult Situations; Language.
Cast: James Belushi, Mel Harris, Kevin Tighe, Ed O'Neill, Jerry Lee, James Handy, Cotter Smith.

Missed Opportunity

Frustrated, Liz comments:

I'm a freakin' idiot.

Tonight I was so busy trying to "connect" with a guy who had made other plans that I totally missed out on what could have been the perfect booty call. DAMN ME.

This little hottie was sitting there, all buff and 8 years my junior, telling me how awesome I was and how all he wants in his life right now is a woman that will love him and leave him. Do you know what I did? I counseled him. I went into this whole speech about women's needs versus the desires of men. I was like an ABC after school special.

He was going on and on about my pros; how I thought like a man, but was so much a woman that it frightened him. He said several times that he's always admired my cool, laid back attitude and that if he could meet a woman like me he would love to have a relationship that was purely based on sex. That's something that I've never had- I may think like a man, but when push comes to shove, I'm a freakin' nun. It sucks and I know you have a hard time believing that, but it's true.

Here was the perfect opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone and nail this absolutely handsome, clean cut little man. He did everything right, and the whole time I talked to him like I was his fucking sister. He was scared... in that good way that I should have pounced on and tore his little blonde ass up. DAMN IT. I am a freakin' idiot- sitting at my computer at 11:00 on a Saturday night when I could be working on the next blog entry. The one titled "Make me breakfast, you cute little blonde sex toy."

What is my problem?

9 Things I Need Help With

Liz admits:

There is a lot that I'm not good at doing. I'm not using Killer's blog to solicit volunteers to do any of these sundry tasks, I'm just looking for tips to get better in the areas where I fall short.

1. I'm organized... but I'll be damned if I can get my CDs in order. I've got around 250 and no space in my house for a CD rack. I have a cabinet totally dedicated to CD storage, but all this means is that my discs are crammed in there- no order to the chaos- and when I have a pulling need for a little Beck, Al Green, or Neil Young I end up settling for Squirrel Nut Zippers or Jane's Addiction. Great tunes, but not what I was yearning for. Alphabetizing is for nerds, so I can't go that route. Plus that would take SO long. I just don't have the patience for alphabetizing.
2. I give up easily. See above. I mean, I have really quit caring about a lot of things that I used to be tenacious about. Speaking of, I have a Tenacious D CD somewhere.
3. I hold on to things that have sentimental value to me- even after they no longer hold sentimental value. I have notes from high school that I've saved. I'll bet I've got 70% of the notes that were passed to me during my senior year. WHY can't I part with these scraps of bullshit? A whole trunk, which could be used for CD storage, is cluttered with high school memorabilia like spirit ribbons and student newspapers. If I were Eudora Welty or Mr. T, these items might hold some historical record that was of some value, but currently I do not see legions of fans clamoring for a piece of my history.
4. I need help understanding that not everyone is cool. I actually offended a guy recently when I called him "my bitch". When he confronted me about it, I called him a pussy.
5. I need help installing sink fixtures in my bathroom. I know I could do this on my own, but I don't want to learn how. I guess that's really the issue. I think I've learned enough technical things to satisfy me. I don't really WANT to know how to change a flat or use the edger on my lawn. That's probably just lazy, because I still enjoy learning very much. Let me put it this way, if I'm ever attacked by a shark I know JUST what to do but if my pipes burst I'm going to have to call my dad to tell me how to shut the water off.
6. It takes me 10 minutes to eat a piece of fried bream because I can't debone a fish. Yesterday we had a cookout and, luckily, I got one hunk of meat that didn't cause me to choke because a man at the table felt sorry for me and passed his fish fillet to me. It's annoying, I know! Helpless Liz- she's just too stupid to figure out how to eat a bream. Have you ever had tiny fish bones stuck in your teeth and throat simultaniously? I thought I was having my last supper. It's just not worth it!
7. I need help understanding the value of being awake. I love life- let's milk it for all it's worth- but I'd rather be milking after I've had 10 or 11 solid hours of snooze time. Someone said, "Never sleep as long as you want to." Why the Hell not? Sometimes my hips ache because I've been in bed so long. That's the best worst feeling I know.
8. Seriously, HELP! Why does our species love babies? They are scary and all they do is shit and cry. They're like a guy I once went out with that crapped 3 or 4 times a day. Everytime he'd get drunk he'd end up crying about something. Maybe frequent shitting stimulates the tear ducts.
9. How can I become more limber? I have NEVER been stretchable. If I drop something and no one else is around to pick up, I sometimes stand there and evaluate how much I really, really need the dropped item. That's an exaggeration, I guess. But seriously, I'm very rigid. I took gymnastics as a kid. My parents still consider those recitals the funniest things they ever witnessed in their lives. And I can't dance either. Not at ALL.
   
   Just so you don't feel sorry for me and all I can't do, know this: Homemade meatball subs, color coordinating, and penmanship are talents. It's only a matter of time before one of these skills brings me the fame and fortune I so deserve.

The Alpha Male

Liz shoots 'roids as she writes:

I know a dude who is on the verge of being a muscular physical freak. He's not QUITE to that point yet, so he's actually pretty fine in his kakhis and tight cotton shirt. Plus, he's been blessed with the dark hair, blue eyes combo. Nice one, God.

Anyway, I was struck by this guy's obsession with his body. He actually came back to work from working out during lunch- fully dressed for business- with his gym towel draped over his neck. He wasn't going to his desk, either. He was just strutting around with this white towel hanging around his 28-inch neck. This reminded me of John Mitchell, a black guy I went to Jr. Hi with.

John had a brother named Willie AND another brother named Willie. I always found that funny. John was very heavy-handed with the Jeri Curl and kept a white towel draped around his neck too. During the hot months I couldn't make myself look at anything but John's eyes because I was so distracted by the dripping of his hair oil onto his grease cloth accessory. I hope John never took up smoking. Remember Michael Jackson and the Pepsi commercial fiasco?

The Alpha Male eats snacks like a dish of spaghetti. Notice I didn't say bowl or plate, I said dish. Even though he really is a handsome man, in peak physical condition, I see him as a grunting idiot. Am I hatin' on this man because he's beautiful? Does that make me a snob? Don't steroids make a man's penis shrink?

I have known and been friends with a few physically ideal men in my time. Always liked 'em. Never held it against them that they were hotties. As I've aged, my perspective about what is attractive has changed I guess. Living with a man that worked out all the time would mean excessive laundry to wash. Who the fuck needs THAT? I'm looking for a man who will wear the same shirt for 3 days before he throws it in the basket. I respect a guy that takes 15 minutes to get ready; not one that is competing with me for the mirror, hairspray, and tanning cream. I also think that men with perfectly formed eyebrows are scary. Yes, control your unibrow, but if you're a man that is going to a salon and getting your eyebrows shaped, you are way too into you. Same goes for chest and leg shavers. I don't care if you're a swimmer or a cyclist, it's still a little too gay. Hell, I hardly shave my legs. I don't need a man showing me up in this arena!

I guess the question of the night is "When does perfection become less than perfect?" It's like vanilla in a cake- one drop too much ruins a wonderful thing. The other question I pose is "Is this an age thing, or a woman thing?' After all, I don't know any man that would criticize a single thing about a physically perfect woman. I will make an exception for gay men. I have a friend who likes his guys overweight and balding. Far from what society sees as the ideal. But you stick a really, really pretty woman in front of him and the first thing he'll say is, "Look at that skany bitch."

I love him.

Employment Opportunities Abound

We have been discussing gift ideas for a fellow employee who has worked here for the last 33 years. My only thought was to kidnap this poor person and drive them to a different job. 33 years at one occupation is terrifying to me, but 33 years at the same location, doing the same job, makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and whimper uncontrollably.
I don't like to buy dairy products because the expiration date is too much of a commitment. If I don't have a defined exit strategy from all jobs then I get nervous. I start to wonder, am I going to wake up ten years from now and still be doing this exact same thing?
This has brought me to begin considerations on my next career change. I need to have some fall back options in case my dream of joining the Olympic Curling team does not pan out, and since it is extremely hard to find a frozen pond or lake in the South, much less one with a curling rink on it, it is becoming less and less likely.
These are my current leading options including the pros and cons for each:

1. Male Stripper (because becoming a female stripper would require a bigger commitment)
Pros:
I should never have a lack of one dollar bills
I always knew I was born to dance
Frequent reaffirmation of how hot I am
Cons:
G strings get really tangled in my butt hair and hurt when coming off.
Being ogled and man-handled by crowds of horny women. (No wait, that's a pro)
Fear of being hired to strip for the Duke Lacrosse team (keep up with current events)

2. Long Haul Truck Driver
Pros:
No annoying co-workers to complain about blog not being funny
Getting to sit in one spot for eight hours at a stretch
Having a career that does not require bathing is a dream of mine
Cons:
No co-workers means no one to impress with my flatulence
High risk for hemorrhoids, and having to sit on hemorrhoids for eight hours at a stretch
I don't like Country/Western music, and I am pretty sure it is mandatory

3. Ice Cream Truck Operator
Pros:
All the ice cream you can eat.
Driving through neighborhoods, but not stopping so the children cry, is funny to me
Cons:
I am lactose intolerant
After one hour that song would make me kill myself

4. Homeless Person
Pros:
The ultimate no-bathing-required profession
Being drunk all the time is expected
Absolutely no experience needed
Cons:
Not a very good benefits package
Having to get to the park early to claim the good bench to sleep on
Pooping in public is not as easy as it sounds

All of these have good and bad qualities, so it is hard to choose. Feel free to make your own suggestions, and don't be afraid to choose one of these careers for yourself. Some would be a lot easier if I had a friend in the same profession. It always helps to have someone else to hold the dumpster lid open while you scavenge for old doughnuts outside of Krispy Kreme.

Free Range Rant

Squeezed out of Killer's constipated mind:
Many of the rants that I write have a central idea, but are allowed to develop as they are being written. This one, however, has no pre planned idea, or direction.
Writers block is a bitch. I have been meaning to write a blog for over a week now, but have not been able to think of anything to write about. So I am free balling it here, this is off the cuff.
I work in a profession in which everyone has a specific uniform to wear. I don't work at McDonald's or Disney World, but in a hospital. For the last seven years everyone I meet at work is wearing scrubs. Until you run across this in your life you will not realize how much you judge people by their clothes. When everyone wears scrubs every time you see them you never get a full exposure to their personalities. Many times, and I mean MANY, I have met people from work and quickly demised that I would not normally hang out with this person. If a person shows up and is wearing a western shirt, stiff wrangler jeans, pointy cowboy boots, a belt buckle with a rebel flag emblazoned across it, and is a female, this is a personality unlike my own. It is always a great expectation to meet work people and see what their clothes say about it them. This also creates a lot of stress when I am getting dressed to meet people from work. I met a group of workmates this past weekend to see a baseball game. Now, what do I want my clothes to say about me? I usually wear a Hawaiian shirt or some goofy camp shirt or the like, but this is a big occasion. This is my chance to make everyone think I am cool. So, to begin with I took a shower, this is a big deal for me. If I am off work, I don't want to bother bathing. I contemplated wearing cologne, but: A: I would have to dig through a couple of boxes to find some, and B: All the females present are way too good looking to date me. Which takes a great deal of pressure off. As a long shot, I shaved my legs and wore a pink shirt, hoping to make them think I am gay. Amazingly enough, this increases the possibilities of my picking up chicks. Or, when gay guys hit on me, it is a great ego boost and I get to skip going to the gym for a few days.

Tomkitten

Liz Smith writes:

And another thing, who gives a CRAP about Tom Cruise and Katie Something having a baby? Seriously. This is all over the news... and I can't figure out why. There was even one headline about how Brooke Shields BEAT Tom Cruise by having her baby earlier today than he did. Battle of the torn twats. How loverly.

I do think the whole "quiet birth" thing is INSANE and therefore noteworthy, but it's interesting at the same level that stories about anerexic starlets are enthralling- Hummm. She's skinny. NEXT!

I already feel sorry for the kid. It's tough starting life off with a single mother.

The Tanning Bed Diaries

Liz doesn't exaggerate one bit:

Around 10 years ago I was going to a tanning bed that I did not know was a front for a house of ill repute. Seriously. I was tanning at a whore house. Once I found out what they meant by "massages in the back room" I had a decision to make. The "girls" never charged me for my visits and it was the closest tanning bed to my house. What's a girl to do with this dilemma? I'll go ahead and admit that I kept on going; only ceasing my visits after I was propositioned in the parking lot by an obviously nervous and very married middle aged man. It wasn't much longer before the cops shut the place down.

It's 10 years later and I thought my tanning issues would be far behind me by now. I've started going to a place in my upscale "home"town and I've run into a whole new world of freakishness.

This salon is run by a bisexual man who is out there. He's currently dating an AIDS looking froo-froo fag that I absolutely adore, but worry about. They are often drinking screwdrivers before most people are having lunch. For Easter they gave the hair stylists plastic eggs filled with pills. One of them has a shirt that mentions touching his monkey. The owner is always wired and his boyfriend is always drunk.

Tonight I went in and it was ON. Now, you have to remember that this salon is in a high-end town with mostly middle aged mothers as clients. I come in and the radio is thumping loud dance music and it's Fire Island! These dudes have invited 4 or 5 kids under 18 to the salon and probably 3 additional strung-out looking adults, including one she-man that made me a little uncomfortable. All are sitting around with their drinks and cigarettes (inside the business, of course) and they are CELEBRATING the froo-froo's birthday. I have no issue with the homosexual lifestyle and I'm certainly a fan of people having fun, but the bumping, grinding, and humping that I witnessed may have stolen years off my life. It was GRAPHIC. At one point the owner asked me to take of my clothes and stay a while. Ewwwww.

I don't have to ask if skin cancer is worth it. Of course! After all, every 5th time I go to this tanning bed I am rewarded with a complimentary cocktail of my choice. I do worry though- this may be the second time I've been surveillanced by the police for my tanning bed activities. Look ma, no tan lines!

Choosy Moms Choose Jiff

Almost not posted by Killer

I am off for a few day this weekend and would really like to live it up. I need a hobby. I want to do something fun and exciting, but I don't want to spend any money, nor do I want to start doing any addictive narcotics. I don't have a dog so rubbing peanut butter on my testicles for the dog to enjoy is out of the question. Plus I am not sure what kind of peanut butter dogs like. Do they want creamy or crunchy? Jiff or Peter Pan. If I still lived in San Francisco it would not be hard to find a person who could answer these questions, but here in Memphis no one talks about these kinds of things.
Hunting is a popular past time down here, but it is really not for me. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with someone going out into the woods and shooting small furry animals, birds, or capping Bambi's mother, I just don't have the patience to sit around all day waiting for one to walk by. It also seems unfair to always use a gun or bow. They should have to be randomly assigned a different item every time in which to use to kill the animal. "Jimbo, today you get to use one chopstick and three feet of dental floss. Good luck!" Now that is a hunting show I might actually watch.
I will probably end up just walking around downtown Memphis trying to find some excitement. On the weekends all the bars on Beale St. Have live music, and there is no lack of stumbling drunk people to watch. They have ducks that live in the lobby fountain at the Peabody hotel. I could go chase them around the lobby until someone throws me out.
I wonder if ducks like peanut butter.

Duh

Liz Barely Pieces Together:

I think the wisdom that you get from "age" and experience takes a toll on the rest of your intelligence. I'm getting dingy in new ways lately. When you combine this with my usual set of "stupid" I'm really starting to stack up an ample list of things I'm too dumb to do.

I've always been awful with directions (meaning that I have to start from home everywhere I go- which can make a day of errand running very laborious) and I'm mathtarded. This is not an exaggeration for comedic affect. I am pretty sure that I have a medical retardation when it comes to understanding mathematical concepts. Although these conditions may have prevented me from excelling in life they haven't really handicapped me. However lately I'm doing things that old people do right before they get shipped off to the home. I'm not really worried or anything- worry would mean that I had the where-with-all to understand cause and effect relationships. I don't really get those. Besides, they make me tired of thinking and they're no fun.

I am dumbing down at a shocking rate.

I have no idea what the date is and I cannot remember the date for longer than 15 seconds after it's told to me. I do know that it's April and I know that it's Saturday- but I only know that much because cartoons came on this morning. I also have stopped reading expiration dates on dairy products. This used to be a critical point in all grocery outings and refrigerator visits. Now... whatever. All I know is that if it's chunky, it's skunky. That's it. I have missed trash day at least 4 times in the past 90 days. I keep forgetting my login to my computer at work- and I've reverted to attempting to use the original login that I had almost 3 years ago. This hasn't been the correct login since 2003, yet I type it at least once a week. I forget to check my mail. I don't mean that I intentionally leave mail sitting in the box. It doesn't even cross my mind to get my mail. This means on the rare occasion that I think about it, the box is crammed full and every bill in there is DUE. It's like I'm living someone else's life...

There has to be some advantage to idiofying at warp speed like this. Maybe the opposite sex will find me more approachable now that I am obviously helpless. Maybe I'll be given the "easy" jobs at work. Maybe I'll make a whole new set of stupid friends and become one of those people I used to make fun of when I was smarter. I might even start liking songs like "Honky Tonk Badankadonk".

Who knows what the world of stupidity is holding for me?

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to remember how to navagate to this blog, so my entries may be even fewer and farther between. In the meantime, if you know how to stop me from turning into Homer Simpson, your advice (if I understand it) would be appreciated.

Famous Last Words

Funneled out by Killer
I am sitting in my apartment, the news is continuously spouting off warnings about impending doom and destruction at the hands of tornados that are about to strike, and now the civil warning sirens are going off outside. So, either a tornado has been spotted, or the Japanese have finally decided to bomb us. I have a dangerously low level of concern with weather warnings. I have never been scared in bad weather. During tornado threats, back in the good old Southern, public school days, when all the kids were forced to sit in the hall with your head between your legs, I was never worried about a tornado actually crushing the school. My thoughts were more troubled with whether I was wearing clean underwear. I did not want to spend the next thirty minutes with my nose stuck between my legs smelling three day old tighty whiteys.
I spent almost three years living throughout California and I am still pissed off I never got to experience an earthquake. I came close once. I was across the bay from San Francisco in Berkeley, getting my drink on, when a small tremor shook San Francisco. A good friend of mine was in her apartment, asleep on the couch, when it hit. She woke up and immediately thought her blind, geriatric guinea pig had gotten out of his cage, found his way under the couch and started shaking it. She did not even realize it was an earthquake until hours later. All I wanted was for one chance to have to dash to the nearest doorway and stand there, because that is apparently what you are supposed to do.
We spent the summer traveling through Thailand not too long after the giant tsunami hit. We got to see a lot of the destruction and hear plenty of first hand accounts, but missed the big show. I am not saying I would want to be in a huge devastating tsunami, but maybe a small one. Maybe one that, while sitting in a beach front bar, a small wave knocks me off my barstool.
The threat of tornados has not deterred the downtown traffic yet. I can see all the people filing into the Fed Ex Forum to see the basketball game tonight. Maybe they can not hear the racket.
I don't know why these damn civil warning sirens are blaring. It has not even rained here yet. It is actually nice out. A cool breeze, with a few dark clouds, that is how I like it. I think I will go up to the roof and toss ice cubes down to the street and make people think it has started to hail.
For official purposes, if I end up getting carried away by a tornado today, give Karma a big high five for me, etch this blog entry on my head stone, and thank Darwin that I made the gene pool stronger by not getting to reproduce.

Happiness Is Only A Six Pack Away

Slurred incoherently by Killer

I have decided to write a motivational book. I might call it, "Chicken soup for the chicken soup hating soul". I really despise self help/motivational books. If you have enough motivation to get up out of bed, drive all the way to the bookstore, search out the self help/motivational book section, find the one that best fits your pathetic life, and take it up to the counter to buy it, STOP, don't buy the book. You just proved to yourself just how motivated you actually are, good job, now go take a nap.
If, on the other hand, some well intending family member or "friend" gives you a motivational book, use that book and hit them in the eyeball. They have decided to make you aware of how pathetic your life looks to the outside world. You don't need friends like that. As a matter of fact, they are probably the cause of your troubles to begin with.
The real name of my motivational book is, "Drink Yourself to a Better You". It is a warm and inspirational piece encouraging people to find happiness in the bottom of a bottle. Don't waste your time seeking psychiatric help. According to research performed by top Scientology officials and Tom Cruise, all psychiatry is a farce. Tom Cruise would not lie to you. He is a movie star, and if it is one thing our society has shown, movie stars are better people than you. Instead of throwing thousands of dollars and hours of you life away with a shrink, just meander on down to the local liquor store and pick up a six pack of beer, or as I like to call it, "twelve ounces of happy, with five of his happy pals."
Drinking not only makes your spouse/significant other/that stranger next to you in bed look better, it also makes you look better. Drink six beers and strip naked in front of a mirror. Suddenly all those superficial flaws are gone and the only thing left is pure sexy. Hell, drink a few more and go run around the neighborhood naked. You are looking so good right now it would be a shame not to share it with everyone.
Drinking can also quiet those nagging fears and insecurities. If you have been feeling inadequate at work lately just start ending the day with a few heavy drinks. Before long you will no longer worry about the small things at your job like, doing those reports due Friday, wearing clean pants , or even showing up at all. Maybe you are concerned about your boss' evaluation of your performance, well do some shots and call him at home and give him an evaluation of how you think he is doing. I'm sure he will be impressed by your straight forward, no nonsense approach. He might even manage to free up some time so you can spend a LOT more time drinking.
Drinking also helps quiet the voices in your head. Many times I will be sitting around the house and I will hear the voices telling me to put on my girl scout costume, shave my head bald and walk around poking people in the butt with a pickle fork. Luckily for me, I keep beer on hand at all times. The first few beers and they starting talking louder and get angrier, but don't give up. After the ninth or tenth beer and a few shots of grain alcohol, the voices are down to a dull roar. When this happens to you, just follow my example and bottoms up. Believe me, people get pretty pissed when they are jabbed in the buttocks with a pickle fork.
This is just a sampling of the wisdom I will espouse upon you. Just wait until the book comes out. I am just going to have a few more drinks and get back to work.

Jokes to never speak again

Spewed by Killer

I have an abnormal amount of jokes that include elephants. I don't know how my joke stockpile gained it's pachyderm problem, but it has grown out of control, and I need to do something about it. I am going to list all my jokes involving these large majestic creatures and then tell them no more.

What is the dark stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives

How do you know if an elephant is sleeping in your bed?
He will have a large E embroidered on his pajamas.

Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
To hide in a cherry tree.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
It must work.
What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries out of the tree.

If you are in the jungle and you cum across an elephant what do you do?
Wipe it off, pull your pants up, and run away.

Why did the elephant strap springs to his feet?
So he could bounce into trees to rape monkeys.
What is the scariest sound for a monkey to hear?
Boing, Boing, Boing

How do you know if an elephant has been having sex in your backyard?
The grass is matted down and the trash can liner is missing.

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Sheep don't have strings.

**While I am at it, here are some more bad animal jokes.

What do you call the Easter bunny with herpes?
Peter Rotten Tail.

What has a hundred balls and does rabbits in the ass?
A Shotgun.

A bear and a rabbit are sitting side by side in the woods taking a crap. The bear looks at the rabbit and asks, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

What is green and red and goes 200 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
What do you get if you add milk?Frog Nog.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half of a cat.

What do you call cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow who masturbates?
Beef Stroganoff.

I fully comprehend that many of these are really bad jokes. They came in pretty handy when I was a bartender. My new profession has me spending most of my time with people who are comatose. They rarely laugh at my jokes. Nothing ruins your sense of humor like a subdural hematoma.